Organize Organize!! // Oh no

How's it going!

Date: April 29th

Mood: Pressing On

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Make-Up

Something I want to do with my website eventually is a "makeup log." Or something, it doesn't have to be a "log," just someplace where I put all the fun things I do. I've always wanted to make a list of all my favourite things to do with eyeshadow but I always forget to write down what exactly I did and I don't fancy taking pictures of myself to share with the internet...I'm thinking I could, instead, draw? I feel like that never really gets the right idea across though...We'll see.

    In light of the above conversation, here's what I did today:
  • Make sure face is clean! Always! Tatcha Silk Canvas primer seems to be really nice.
  • Upper lid, palest shade from Flower Knows 03 Witch Boutique - blend well
  • Above the eyelash line on the lower lid, gold shimmer shade from Flower Knows 03 Witch Boutique - gold dust will spread around; this is okay!
  • Outer corner, brushing gently into the upper lid, shade 2nd from the right Flower Knows 03 Moonlight Mermaid - very soft, goes well with my skin tone and I love the rosy pink ~ Don't blend yet!
  • Middle of upper lid, spread to outer corner with blending brush. Gold shimmer shade from Flower Knows 03 Moonlight Mermaid - less chunky sparkles than the other gold shimmer and shines very nicely!
  • Optional for if going out: stay spray :3

Update

Mom said my makeup looked like it came from the 80's with all the sparkle LOL. I don't mind but she said it didn't look bad or good... So I guess I need to practice more before deciding on my graduation makeup.

Also it's really frustrating trying to talk to her about the things we discuss in Omni class sometimes... Admittedly, now I'm not sure if Phoebe was a Deacon in the church or just a "succourer" but why can't we have these conversations nicely? I would like to talk to my Mum about this more deeply but just the way she gets "fired up" and sounds almost angry when she's insisting on a point is a little upsetting. I guess I'm a little too sensitive...

Date: April 27th

Mood: Aching

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Pressing On

I spent the entire day yesterday sleeping and doing nothing... I've spent almost every day this entire past week working on my thesis and staying up the entire night working and reading for it. I guess I crashed.

I'm not really tired today but I did wake up with a lonely ache. The feeling has mostly passed; it's not nice to wake up with sad thoughts though.

Date: April 21st

Mood: Ugh

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Wilting

Oh yikes, I haven't updated in a while. I guess I just needed a break. I think I slept for,,, like, 13 hours last night? I was still tired when I got up but my head is clear. A little distracted, as always, but clear.

Tonight, I'm going to try and write one whole section of my thesis. Proper citings and everything. Pray for me, if you happen to see this.

On a different note, because of that last sentence, I've always felt a bit... off, about asking people to pray for me. I've never liked it, especially in large group settings (like class or church). None of those people need to know what's going on but even saying "unspoken" feels wrong to me. It's feels... Attention grabbing. Even when I want legitimate prayer, I hate myself and regret saying anything about what I'm going through afterwards. Instantly.

I even had a short conversation with someone last year, where her opinion was that not asking for prayer or asking for an unspoken felt like a "cop-out." That really pissed me off, but she's probably right in that you should share your prayers and ask people to pray for you. I just have a weird hang-up about it...

Is it because I've never really seen my parents pray? Is it because I don't really have a church, or a church "family" that supposedly comes with it? Do I seclude myself and hide my heart too much? But, whenever I try to get over this feeling of guilt and regret and "dirty-ness" I feel when it comes to sharing things that matter to me, I feel foolish. I feel like I've spoken too much. This feeling is exemplified when I get into social tussels, because I always have strong opinions. I... Don't believe I'm evil for those opinions or the passion I have. Yet... I don't think I add value to anything; I shouldn't say so much. Even my Seniour Thesis isn't really saying anything new; it's simply re-hashing a debate that's been going on well before my time.

I get so fired up and excited about things and instantly become so tired. The world is spinning itself into madness, and madness that's happened over and over and over and WILL happen over and over and over again. Do my prayers matter? I've been trying to pray more and more but it's hard to believe God hears the little voice in my head or that prayer really does anything. It does, I know it does, even if God says "no." It's just...

I don't know. I'm shaking but I'm not cold; why am I shaking? I think I need to stop, I'm saying too much again.

Date: April 19th

Mood: Calm...ish

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

In a shocking turn of events, I have gotten my stupid brain cells to work. I have a good idea as to what will actually go in the "Historical" and Scientific appeals now. It's just a matter of getting it into words. I'm not gonna jinx myself with saying when I'll get it done...But it will get done.

In another turn of events, I am so, so tired. My muscles ache and my stomach hurts and I have a warm, empty feeling. My body wants my bed lol. I wanna snuggle up with Choupette and not get up 'til the world's on fire. That picture in the header looks a bit like Choupette. ^-^

Reflecting a little bit on how tired I am constantly...I'm tired even when I haven't been killing myself with late hours. Is it normal to be this tired all the time? I found a somewhat helpful website that talks a bit about sleep cycles and that it's better to get full sleep cycles than to interrupt a cycle, even if you sleep for hours. Maybe that's the problem.

Seems to be a generational problem too. Mr. Stengal noted how Millenials thought that Gen Z were gonna be a bunch of super-left, hyper-activists or something but now that we're pretty much grown up, he thinks the entire generation is just fatigued already. "Like these kids aren't changing the world they have trouble changing their bedsheets." That's not exactly what he said but it's similar I think. I'm not sure what to make of that observation, I'm not even certain if he's right, but it's interesting I guess.

Date: April 18th

Mood: Panicked

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

@~@

Finally got something submitted. I should have been writing this much way, way earlier.

Only 8 classes left. As always, I'm going to scrape by the skin of my teeth. I wish I wasn't like this, but what're you going to do?

I've also been sleeping most of today. Not sleeping for hours and hours and hours makes you really tired, it turns out. As always though, I'm going to stay up and -attempt- to get stuff done.

Date: April 16th

Mood: Discontent

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

:/

I think I had something of a panic attack last night. I need to get a grip lol.

Later

I think my entire being will be a continuous panic attack until I graduate. yeehaw.

Date: April 15th

Mood: Wistful

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Today will be a good day.

Primary class has been super, super interesting, today in particular. We discussed what different kinds of people think the meaning of life is (literally, lol. Atheists, Buddists, existentialists, etc etc) to the reasons why atheists have formed this sort of...massive cultural movement of leaving the church, both for "legit" reasons and not. We also discussed why a lot of popular Christian bands from the 2000's fell away from the faith and how annoyed my teacher is with Christian parents who shelter their kids from even the pebbles of life. He gets into a lot of kerfuffles, it seems, from parents who want him to affirm "this denomination is the right one" or want him to change the curriculum so their kids don't have to read philosophy or anything with even a smidge of a bad word or event in it. I think a lot of students at Veritas aren't like that, they recognize the value of the things we read even if it offends them a little bit, but that entire mindset is so incredibly harmful to me that I dislike any amount of it's existence. Your children won't grow up to be warriors for God, they will enter the world and be burned alive. Which, many do, and those children often end up leaving the faith.

For all the depressing things we talk about in class, I'm in a good mood lol. I wish I had more time to talk to my teachers...

Class always ends SO abruptly. We always have so, so much more to talk about but class is only for an hour and a half. I wish the conversation would go for so much longer. As Mr. Stengal likes to say, "everything connects to everything." You simply cannot seperate one aspect of the world or a thought from the rest of anything, because everyine is significant in some way. Is that a scary thought? I don't know, but I have fun making and pointing out those little connections. Nothing can exist in a vacuum... and I want to parse out the meaning of everything I touch and know the reason for it and what it means.

I wish there was a career option for this, hahaha. Mr. Shearer told us once that he loves teaching so much, and the making connections, that he would gladly teach all his classes for free. ("You'd have to pay me to grade, though" he says XD). I guess the closest thing would be, like...a philosopher...? I don't know how that works though and Idk if I would really want that. Maybe another option is to be a teacher, but again, Idk if I want that. I also thought maybe I'd like to be a journalist, the freelance kind that travels around and makes connections between current events and our current ideaologies but I don't know if I want that anymore either. I've been thinking, before the school year even started, that maybe I just want to go to college and get married and live quietly. Maybe I just want peace and quiet in general and it has nothing to do with marriage or my career. Maybe I'm a little bit tired...

I'm a bit wistful and melancholy. I hope today's a good day and I hope it stays warm and the clouds clear up. The melancholy comes from the grey environment I believe, and has my heart aching for something. I know what it's aching for but there isn't an answer for it. I also.. My paranoia is kicking up. Breathe, breathe.

Later

The paranoia cleared away. It's nice to go out sometimes. It's... Well. It's always a little bit beneath the surface; like a pot of water, I hear it when it's bubbling and there's a very faint fire underneath it, always. Right now that fire isn't too hot but it's there, the paranoia.

I'm thinking I should go ahead and make that page for my sister's fic, if she allows me to. I'm going to work on editing it to keep myself in the writing mood when I'm too tired or simply not in the mind of Thesis stuff. Actually you know what... Maybe I should be an editor. I like grammar and fixing bad grammar; I wouldn't even need to go to college for that sort of thing, I have plenty of sources at home with which to check myself and re-learn some rules that have escaped me. I still want that college experience but... We'll see. I'll be thinking about this a lot later, this Summer.

Date: April 14th

Mood: Jelly

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Eepy

Been so so sleepy today... Got some good work done though. I'll finish this one thing I gotta finish then write as much as I can; shouldn't be too hard. As always, I'm inexplicably awake during the night hours even though I was so tired during the day. Don't know what's up with that but yeah.

Later

The day was nice ^-^

Date: April 14th

Mood: Jelly

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

My sister has written like a book of her fanfiction xD. I'm supposed to be her editor but with school and everything, I've been doing a bad job of keeping up with when she writes chapters so there's a huge backlog now. Maybe over the Summer I could add a page to my website dedicated to her stuff and publishing it there (Tumblr has a word limit (????????) and publishing to AO3 is a massive pain in the butt, imo). I like that idea a lot actually but I need to focus on other things.

Tomorrow will be... Chill. I need to take a break somedays n I haven't read my Bible in two days. That'll change tonight, but yeah.

My sister's brain... Is SO full of this stuff. XD It's a fanfic about MHA and she's created her own lil universe and the book she's written is like a crossover between her own world and the world of MHA. It's crazy. And very entertaining. She's also talking about writing an Uraraka x Bakugo fic because she feels like the two compliment each other better and that would simply make more sense than Deku x Uraraka and my gosh.

I also need to edit a few chapters she's written for the aforementioned world/book she's writing (not a fic). . .

Anyway. My day was okay. Whenever it was that I fell asleep, I could not force myself to get up until 2 PM. I think I'm pushing my Mum's patience but things will go well tonight I think.

Speaking of my Mum, she found two new (to me) kinds of planks for me to do. X_X Bear planks and planks to pike? My entire workout routine is just going to be planks at this point aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Which isn't bad of course. I feel like jelly after doing them, especially the side planks. Which is the point but ow.

Another thing is I revamped this particular log look. Idk why but I had trouble with keeping the button theme I wanted to do but making it not eye-strainy (for my eyes. my eyes specifically, Idc about flashing images or anything but the paleness of the pallete I chose just didn't make me happy) and finding a colour scheme I liked. I also messed with it a bit to make it better in some other ways. I would like to mess with the font as well but I've never been able to pull that off... I'll do that some other time...

Date: April 12th

Mood: Content

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Functional

Gonna pull another all-nighter. Probably. The last "all-nighter" wasn't really a true one since I did go to sleep at like 7 AM (and woke up at 9:40 something) but doing this seems to work.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me that I can't seem to get my act together during the day but during the night? I can do just about anything even if I don't feel like it.

Right now, I need to focus on writing an essay that compares two books. One book I've read a couple chapters of, the other book I haven't a single clue what it's about and have not read any of it. It's a good thing that writing academic-sounding-fluff is a skill I've built up but wow I feel stressed. It's currently... 5 AM right now. I need to finish one paper (which is a million years late) and write most of another paper. And I have a test tomorrow. And I need to finish writing the "science appeal" for my thesis by Saturday night.

Dr. Collender always warns us about not doing all-nighters and getting enough sleep and how you perform better when you've slept well and you remember things better if you prepare less and just get enough rest and sorry but I'm built different.

That was a joke but I did stay up the entire night for my Rhet II final and got an 100% (Dr. Collender's class no less) and I legitimately seem to be able to think more clearly during this hour, despite being very, very tired. Maybe I'm just more relaxed because I'm alone and don't have to worry about being called away to do something else while I'm in the zone? Idk, I won't explore that right now.

Also, it's raining right now. It's been raining all day but it's that time of year where it's hot and rainy and I love it. ~

    Plan for tonight and tomorrow morning
  1. Finish Econ essay
  2. Write introduction and two arguments for Omni Prime essay
  3. Shower once tiredness becomes unbearable
  4. If the previous things somehow actually got done, organize Notion a lil bit (Econ notes, routines, plans)

Later

Day almost over now. Not been the best day; I don't know when I passed out last night but I did lol. Getting up before 1 PM was....ooufgh. I did finish that essay. I'm gonna...Work on the other essay I guess. I don't think I'm a slow writer, I just have a hard time getting myself to do things if I don't particularly care about it. I'll feel like working hard tomorrow if I can manage to complete this particular essay though, I know it. Maybe some sleep would be good afterall?

Date: April 11th

Mood: Ugh

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Function

Pulling an all-nighter tonight, hence why it's labelled for the 11th and not the 10th.

Had an interesting dicussion in Omnibus which had me thinking about some things. Then tonight, I'm reading Ecclesiastes and it says that it's better to be sad, since the heart is made better by it. I think that makes sense, given that I only seem to be able to focus and work like I'm "supposed to" when I'm a little bit down. I also can only seem to work hard during the night and rarely throughout the day itself.

Anyway, I'm strongly disliking The Stranger so far. I forget the guy's name but he's a jerk. Had a whole discussion (seperate from the initial one) about insanity and psychopaths and how Albert Camus didn't intend to write someone who is mentally insane, he wanted to write a "revolutionary, someone who broke all the social rules." The... The social rules that say you should be sad when your Mum dies? The social rules that say marriage and love are good things? The only definate emotion I can get from the protag is lust and annoyance.

Given how short and awful this book is, I have to wonder why exactly it's in our Omnibus course, Primary especially. I'm not wondering because I want it taken out, I'm wondering because I wonder how popular it is? Or was. What audience read this and thought, "woah, he's onto something!"? All of the texts we read in Omnibus are considered "Great Books," that is, books considered to be contributing to the Great Discussion or culturally impactful (to the West) in some way, so it's here for a reason. Whatever reason that might be, I dislike it.

Edit (an hour later from writing this entry): Amazing how my braincells seem to work when my eyes are drooping and it's way, way past my bedtime. The only nice thing about this is my loft and the little lamp that's been beside me.

I haven't done a whole ton, nothing like the 8 pages I wrote in one night a bit ago (I think some sort of demon possessed me or something lol) but it's a lot more than what I have done lately. I can do this. I don't know if I can do exactly this every night, I know that if I insist on trying to that will cause a lot of problems, but ... It's working, I guess. I don't know why I have such a hard time working as I am now during the day-time; I have theories of course but... No time to think about that now.

Besides... That, though, I'm proud of what I did do.

Edit (much later in the day now): I'm only running on two hours of sleep and however much I napped between classes and my Econ teacher showed this to us as soon as class started. what.

Date: April 9th

Mood: Eepy

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Thank God It's Only Tuesday

Unbelieveably eepy. Just the eepiest. Oh to be a little cat sleeping on a sunny window-sill for hours at a time.

Last night, I saw those foxes again. I startled one of the babies and he hit his head on the foundation of the shed. Made a lil "weh" type noise too.

Today has been...Okay. I'm so, so sleepy, so I feel like I haven't done much though. After a good shower, I'll do nothing but sit in bed and read and write. We're reading The Stranger by Albert Camus right now, and...I haven't started yet, but our teacher says he's a nihilst but he was attractive whenever he was alive so people like him, as opposed to some other guy who was his mentor. I don't know what to do with that information but it checks out I guess. I'm sure I'd understand why he made a point to say that if I didn't sleep through most classes during the 3rd quarter. That's probably gonna screw me over later but the 4th quarter has only just begun so hopefully my reading now will save me.

Also I just realized that it's having us skip two chapters in The Stranger. I wonder why that is. I wondered why were skipping parts of The Name of the Rose last school year and... Extremely regreted reading those sections. The only thing I have to say about that is monasticism is probably one of the worst practices we [Christians] ever did. I will probably still read the skipped sections, honestly though.

Edit: I went to go read what people thought about The Name of the Rose because I kind of want to read it again and WOW uh.... Modern readers are spoiled. This one guy in particular is aware of the fact that the mystery is -ultimately- secondary to the theological discussions that go on within the text and he's still like, "but the plot sucks so I hate it completely and the only reason someone would write a book like this is because he wants to show off how much he knows." Okay I guess. I mean it's not the best book I've ever read but go...go re-read The Hunger Games or something I guess if you want your books to be like fast food, essentially.

I also don't think the plot was that bad? We jumped around a whole ton so maybe I need a refresher.

Date: April 8th

Mood: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Song: Fake It Til You Make It

Breathe

Breathe.

  • You're always late to doing the right thing or doing it properly. Later is better than never, though.

  • It's just highschool and you're very, very not likely to fail regardless of how well the speech goes.

  • Essential oils and getting up earlier help with focus.

  • You don't have to be the best, you just have to make it.

    • Date: April 5th

    Mood: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Song: Fake It Til You Make It

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Okay I got it to work. Anyway. Me rn.

    Date: April 4th

    Mood: Mostly Content

    Song: touch grass

    Focus....

    Every night, I get a weird feeling. I'm not entirely sure what it is, my chest feels heavy and I need to focus to breathe and I don't feel like eating. I'm also not sure if this is some sort of mental disturbance or an actual physical problem. It just feels... Tense.

    Oh well, I guess? It's distracting more than anything and I already have a hard time focusing.

    Anyway, I need to re-assess how I'm doing things. Discovering Notion again has been helpful but I still feel like I'm slamming my face against a wall. Just... Focus. Why can't I focus?

    The things that need to happen is I need to write that essay, which shouldn't be a problem. 300 words is never a problem I just need to get my stupid brain to work. Trying to work on my confirmatio again though is far scarier -- my presentation due date, where I'm going to present my Thesis in front of an academic scholar is not far away. I think..I set up a good plan. I feel like Dr. Mac is going to cry if I don't submit the Prelim next week haha- I might cry too actually tho.

    Okay. Time to get rid of these jitters. Today hasn't been full of inactivity and I don't have school tomorrow, so I can stay up late working on things. Let's do better...

    Date: April 3rd

    Mood: Content

    Song: touch grass

    The Year Finally Starts

    Log time log time log time.

    I actually tried really hard to make something like this for myself in Notion (before I remembered I had a website). I found a template that works well for documenting my thoughts on Bible chapters though, so I'm thinking I should delete that whole section honestly,,, I've been feeling more and more like I shouldn't write this section, or the "Bible Musings" because more people are following me. It was fine when it was like, 5? Now I just feel kind of awkward, even if I delete the update notification. Maybe I should just. Not link it anywhere too? But this website is for myself entirely, not catered to anyone, but maybe I should just not speak on certain things and write it out physically. My hand doesn't race as fast as my head though and....Well, I don't know.

    I don't really wanna give up writing down a digital log, since I find it helpful, but sometimes "journal thoughts" spill out as well. Maybe I should go back and delete some things now that people indeed are here. Anyway...

    Got a Notion template that DOESN'T make me want to tear my eyes out!! I also finally downloaded the app. My computer is so small, it cannot handle Notion being open all the time as well as even 5 tabs... I also cleaned it up a lot though, got rid of things I don't use. I feel bad for not really working with physical planners and the like, I spend too much time on my computer, but for now I will simply use what works (Habatica, Notion, LifeAt, pomodoro counters, online logs and digital notes).

    And after I organize my Econ notes I'm gonna get rid of the damn Microsoft app lol. It tries to be useful and kinda cute about it but it's actually far more frustrating -- much better to simply use the Notepad app and organize them into Notion afterwards -- where screenshots and the like can be placed appropriately. -_-

    Speaking of deleting things, I went around deleting any detectable bloatware AGAIN because just having Notion made it extremely slow when that really shouldn't be the case. I only have the things I need and can use -- which may mean I'll have to delete Krita for a while and suffer with drawing on my smol tablet. :'T I tried, I really tried and it worked fine but not fine enough and even though MS Paint is a fine enough drawing app, especially with the ability to have layers now, it crashed way too often even when nothing else was open. Maybe that's a me problem but it went away anyway. During this process I also made my curser a pen from one of the pre loaded curser options just for funsies.

    I'm also not even sure if deleting all these things actually will help but. I mean it can't hurt at least.

    1. Because of Notion Idk if I'm gonna bother putting my tasks here in a cute little list lol.