Avis Spei

What's On This Page?

This lil' blurb is at the top of every page, please don't get confused! Just here to say that since the posts don't have a date system yet, they're in the order of... The most recent are on THIS page. I guess. I think? Most relevant maybe?? Idk how I'm gonna format this. To see the older ones, press the "next" button at the bottom. Number of posts per page is .. Undecided! Also they're all out of order rn! I'm doing my best. Rn it's just a bunch of thoughts and stuff dumped here.


JournalRing Acceptance Revoked

Hello Avis,

I'm afraid I must overturn your original acceptance into JournalRing. You have been removed from the roster. While I do not disallow Christians (or anyone of any faith) to join on principle, a look at your webring revealed discriminatory attitudes towards LGBT people. I am a (very proud) lesbian and feminist, and many members of the webring are also LGBT, so I do not see your participation within the webring to be conducive to community building for you or for them. While I believe you are free to voice your opinions, I cannot give you a platform. I recognize there was no explicit rule against this when you joined; there now is. Best wishes.

Thank you for your interest,


One of the great things about the old web resurfacing and people turning away from social media is the freedom it gives you. When I was on Tumblr (well, I still am, I'm just mostly inactive now) I recieved literally thousands of hate messages after I replied to a post that read (paraphrased since I don't have the message on me at the moment);

How do old rich white Chrisian males not realize they're like, literally supervillians?

(Sorry if the username isn't quite right.)

I responded a bit thoughtlessly, as I had just entered Tumblr and started interacting with people, and said something along the lines of "Because they are secure in God, and you likely aren't."

I had simply given my opinion. It wasn't even a good opinion or that much of a relevant reply, I said words like a small comment. I don't think I worded myself quite as I should have, nevertheless, this person was apparently a popular figure on Tumblr. I had no idea at the time. Her response to me was flippant and afterwards, I dealt with over a week of messages telling me to kill myself and other terrible things that I've blocked from memory because it was extremely distressing. I had no idea how to manage the situation and ended up doubling down by responding to criticisms of my alleged support of the Prosperity Gospel (I do not support this) by posting a collection of passages from the Bible talking about rich men, how those passages treat them, and what it means. I might link that post if someone asks me to but I'm a bit hesitant, because I worry even now that it comes across as pathetic.

What does this have to do with me being banned from the JournalRing?

In my reply to the email telling me my acceptance was revoked, all I said was "Thanks for being honest, I guess, but I thought the only unifying factor was that everyone on the ring loves to journal? I know you and many of them are LGBT and joined anyway. I guess inclusion doesn't go both ways."

At first I thought I was too salty in my reply but now I think I wasn't salty enough. I'm tired of this exact rhetoric.

First, I'd like to make it clear that I don't dislike the JournalRing now, nor do I dislike Rio as a person. Rio can do whatever she likes and that's how free speech works. My problem is moreso with ... the entirety of how society seems to function in regards to people like me. I would just like to point out the hypocrisy that is present absolutely everywhere, using this webring experience as an example. Even on a platform where I wanted to get away from discrimination, I still experience it. This is nothing like being told to kill myself, of course, but it's still isolating and honestly hurtful. Maybe I shouldn't care about this so much but... I just want to get these thoughts out.

There are two things I want to point out.

    The the thing that connects the members of the JournalRing is their love for journaling. Nothing else. That is the whole point of a Webring, to discover other individuals who love this one thing. To describe it as a "community," I feel, is also faulty. There is no forum where members are discussing journaling together. There is no member Discord server. There is no RSS feed of member content. We are simply connected and are sharing the paths towards each other. I did not join a ring about Gay Rights. I did not join a ring about the Feminist Movement. I joined because I love journaling.
    Why am I expected to be tolerant of things I fundementally disagree with but others can't do the same for me? As I said in my short reply, I know her and literally all of the current members are intolerant of my beliefs. I thought this didn't matter, for the above reasons. At the same time though, I would like a legitimate answer to why she and the other members can't be tolerant of me.

The other members and herself don't even have to interact with my site or myself as a person. My website would simply there. Existing in the same space.

Of course, maybe she thinks it's weird that I would want to join a space that is intolerant of me. I think this this means either, a) she has never chosen to be in a space for it's merits over how much it may dislike her or b) she doesn't realize how few spaces I have where I am accepted. Or maybe it's both.

Tumblr is intolerant because if you become well-known on that platform as someone who believes anything less than the most political left and up-to-date position you will recieve incredible amounts of severe hate messages. This isn't exclusive to Christians but Christians (true Christians) are in this group.

Heck, even groups within "Christian" groups are intolerant. Mostly because, they themselves are extremely tolerant of values that are not Christian. As an example, Side A or most of Side B "Christians."

Another thing I don't understand is the claim "I do not disallow Christians (or anyone of any faith)." Most faiths are not tolerant of LGBT people. She is essentially saying, "disregard/reject your faith into a version that is tolerant to me (therefore, no longer the true faith for any religion that applies) and your website can exist on the same space."

The thing that bothers me most extremely is not just that it's coming from this little space. I just simply can't tell you how many times I've heard the exact language she used on me from everywhere else.

I don't have any conclusion to draw other than I'm sad. I feel hurt. I'm just a girl who loves God and loves to journal. I've tried so hard to find a happy medium between being able to live up to these people's standards and still be faithful but it's impossible. I'm going to be kicked out of most spaces. Almost everyone I meet is going to hate me. This whole webring thing is by far not the biggest moment of discrimination I've faced. Actually, if the webring was super popular, I probably wouldn't feel as bad as I do now.

What get's me is that it is so small. It is so not important. I can't tell you how many non-important moments and things I've brushed off because... It's not a big deal. At the same time though, it is. It builds on each other. Eventually you run out of being able to brush things off and you have to try and understand the problem.

Matthew 6:24 KJV

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.

The lot of the Christian is suffering and discrimination.

I can already hear in my head the types of jeers and mockery I've heard just for saying that last line. It's hard not to care. It's hard to be indifferent and move past this feeling. I guess that's why I'm writing this though..It's a way to work through all my thoughts and leave them behind. I don't know if I'll take the JournalRing widget off my website yet. I'm not a part of it anymore but Rio doesn't get anything bad by it still being on my website and my website being removed from her index. I like the cute graphic, too, and I still want to promote a love for journalism, because I love simple things like stickers and pretty paper and hobonichi covers and pens...But I can't even be a part of something as small and wholesome as that.

Edit: Ah, looks like she finally took me off the js index. I guess the widget is no longer there even if I wanted to keep it.

Edit: I made some clarifications and expanded on some things because of some comments left on Moheb's site which he showed me lol. There might be more grammar things to fix but otherwise I'm leaving it alone now. These are just my thoughts I'm having and I shared them. It's nothing professional by any means and yeah, it probably does come across as whiney. This is my blog and I wrote it while feeling sad.


Does anyone feel thirsty? Like… I'm sitting there in Sunday class and I'm not being fed. I'm not being taught. I'm being told and re-affirmed things I knew in middle school. Before middle school, even.

As I go through my classical schooling, I think I've realized this isn't my peers or my teachers or even the pastor's fault. This is stuff that's been the same, said and said and said, for decades before I was born. THIS is why Christianity has no movement in America. We're stagnating. I want to ask questions and be answered properly.

Maybe I'm being a bit arrogant but I don't believe some of the concepts I've learned from The Consolation of Philosophy or readings from St. Augustine are present in church.

I edited out the section where I talk about the nature of sin and how badly the modern church talks about sin. I want to make a seperate post talking about that and what I've learned from C.S. Lewis and St. Augustine of Hippo. Same goes for the other subjects I mention, such as the "problem of pain," as C.S. Lewis would call it.

Could any of them speak with me about questions of God and not fall back on "you just do your best and God's got this?" Essentially, telling me that I don't need to worry or even try to understand Him at a fundamental level? Could anyone answer my questions without repeating Bible verses as if they're the answer itself? As if people don't need to deliberate over Scripture and "wrestle with God?"

I'm not saying this to bring myself up. I don't suppose myself to be very smart. That's partially the problem though; I want to learn. I go into church, hungry and thirsty and waiting to be filled, but I leave feeling weary and relieved to leave. I feel like I'm being blunted somehow.

Concepts that I've grown up learning through a classical education aren't present in church. My sparse knowledge and the faith I'm constantly wielding aren't being fought, they're being beaten against a rock that can't spring forth water. I could wax poetic about how terrible the modern church is but the best way to talk bring this to light is just to say that it's terrible. Honestly, it is.

And it's not just the current church my Dad has been bringing us kids to. My Grandparents are "church-hoppers" and it's like this at every single church I've been a part of. Although, maybe it's just the Fundie Baptist circles my Grandparents and parents insist on being a part of. I have a significant amount of "beef" with this particular group of people (isolation, abuse) so maybe my view of what the universal Church is, is warped. Regardless, I desire to be fed by my church and not just books written by dead people. Both are valuable and there are days where I feel my soul is lacking. My family has never been frequent church-goers and yet, at the same time, will not budge on their selection. "You don't need church in order to be a Christian," they say. That's... True, but wrong at the same time, wrong, I feel like.

I hope my experience is a rare one. However, a lot of my classmates are also Christian and it seems that though good churches aren't necesserily rare, there's a significant amount of bad churches. Maybe this will always be the case, as even in the time of Paul, he spent a large majority of his time edifying churches and rebuking them. Regardless, change and hope for better things shouldn't be given up on. God has given me a hunger for a reason and Christians in particular should always aim for excellence and goodness in all things. Whenever it is I move far away from my family, I hope I can find a church and pastor I can learn from and not be suspicious of the community that comes along with it.

Barbie Review

I just watched the Barbie movie! The main thing I really feel like saying right now is go see if even if you think it will be bad. At worst, it will be better than you thought. Seriously. Even with mentions of patriarchy and whatever, it... doesn't take itself seriously. And it actually has a good message; the message being "we should both work hard to be better."

The main problem in the movie is about how Barbie treats Ken in Barbieland (Barbieland which is set up to be Female Paradise. The "real world" is set up to be Male Paradise). She treats him like trash; takes him for granted (fun fact: Push by Matchbox Twenty is actually written from the female POV) and honestly? She gets what she deserves. He takes everything she loves about her world and destroys it and makes it into his own. This man is starved for positive reinforcement, for truly able to be the man he's supposed to be and so he enforces that too much in her world.

Everything Ken wants is what he doesn't have in a female paradise; Barbie treats him like garbage and he doesn't have that necessary male bond with the others; which is really, the male bond, that's what attracts him about the real world. He saw men engaging in leadership. He saw guys being bros. He saw men giving their hearts and souls into competitions and winning and being guys and horses (lol) and he saw this and said - "This is what I'm missing in life." And he was right! I think this sort of thing, a sense of male comradery, is what a lot of depressed guys are missing in life. Obviously that particular issue has more things involved but I don't think this is a small part of it.

He was wrong about Barbie's attention being the solution to the other problem, though. This is where Barbie is right, because she addresses this AFTER apologizing; that Ken needs to become a man outside of her. This is kind of what Ryan Gosling's whole rants are about when it comes to Ken; Ken needs to be seperate from Barbie and come into himself on his own. Part of what will actually aid that problem is having bros and goals and a personality outside of pleasing Barbie. A lot of the messages from Jordan Peterson (incel king as some people have called him) as well as Dr. Collender kind of attest to this -- it's a whole subject on it's own but basically, girls are attracted to guys who are the "best versions of themselves." Guys with drive and working to improve for the goodness that brings for it's own right (or ideally, for Christ) and not just to impress a girl enough to get her to marry him.

To this point actually, someone said something that was exactly how I felt about it (link to source via the picture)

"Barbie (2023) really had Barbie say 'Hey. I know the reason you hurt me is because I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt you, because you didn’t deserve that. I know you are a better person than this, and you are fully capable of being that person. I can’t change the past, and I don’t think we can be in each other’s lives anymore without hurting each other, but I am sorry and I want you to be happy. I want you to find your identity and respect yourself and live.' And then she realizes she’s also talking about herself.

She’s saying “I deserve to live. We both deserve to live.” it is one of the kindest things I have ever seen done to someone and to themselves in any piece of media ever."

Minor note: I changed "love yourself" to "respect yourself" because I think that phrasing is more accurate to what we mean by "love yourself." I am not a fan of the insane self-absorbtion people have with themselves but you should respect yourself; Dr. Collender says that respecting others begins with the self and your worldview.

So, you know... Even though some of the messages being presented were not entirely things I agree with; i.e. that the real world is some sort of Male Paradise where the women are the ones being treated like Ken (and even then, it's clear that that's not true within the movie; Ruth exists and affected the world in a powerful way. Barbie also chooses to live in the real world and explore the vast agency the real world offers her. So much beauty in the world existss, so many things I believe people take for granted). All in all, I had fun and that's what matters. If you are someone who wants to take this movie extremely seriously and take it as a complete affront to your political beliefs... That is entirely on you. That particular misery, of not being able to find joy in things that are ultimately extremely silly (and yet actually do bring up some valuable discussion), that is entirely your choice. That being said, it is a movie directed towards girls, so I understand that it's not for everyone.

If nothing else, even if you end up getting super offended; the movie is really funny. A bit weird and hashed in some aspects. I absolutely loved the choreographed dance with the Kens near the end. Actually, I loved that a lot, I think it's my favourite part of the movie. And they, the Kens, became friends after it! Which is so wholesome and, according to my guy friends, is just how guys roll. Guys just. They just do that, I have no idea how but they do apparently, and that is one of the messages from the movie I thought was more important and true and ultimately good.

This is an edited version of my review about it on my Tumblr blog. There's more to be said, really... Also, though I'm not super excited for Oppenheimer outside of the memes, I do plan on writing down a review for that too, so stay tuned. (P.S. am I the only one who completely didn't realize that "beaching" someone is some sort of innuendo?)

Where Are You?

  • ♡ These are more formal blog posts. :))
  • ♡ I don't want to put too much of my life in here, moreso the thoughts I have about things
  • ♡ Topics will likely range from political to theological to big and small. Whatever I just feel like...Talking about.
  • ♡ Updates probably very inconsistantly ~

    Subjects I Want to Write About

  • How Women Treat Each Other
  • What the Bible says about Gay People
  • Why Horror is Good
  • Psychology Differences between Men and Women
  • Why "Copying is an Act of Love"
  • Why AI Art is not that big of a deal
  • Barbarian Review / Biblical Connection
  • Thoughts on Ghosts (might not write this one)
  • Why I Made The Webring (and might make another one)
  • Thing You Should Know

    If you didn't already know from reading around, I'm a Christian. :) I don't wish physical or mental harm on anyone but I am against most mainstream cultural/political things. I value truth, beauty, and goodness - and I actively dislike/hate idealogies that aim to destroy those things. I don't want to mince words, and I never want to be mean, but I will always value holding up the truth rather than conforming to what anyone else wants from me (other than God). Keep an open mind, or don't, and you're welcome to leave.