Loser
Having some thoughts tonight, mostly in relation to how things are going. I also feel a little embarrased about the previous post lol but I meant what I said. Things suck. I feel a bit better tonight.
A lot of things happen in just a few days. I really took my Omnibus classes for granted; neither of my parents are spiritual guides (I've argued with them about theology more than I've ever learned from them, despite them being Christians as well) and I don't go to church so the only thing keeping God in my mind would be my own self and the classes I used to take. I used to go to a classical Christian school, not beholden to any one denomination but generally Reformed and it wouldn't even call itself "Christian" (which is a mistake imo but that's a completely different post) but a lot of my teachers were very devout people; theology majors, pastors or priests, some people with a PhD or two and they honestly should have been teaching college classes instead and getting paid more than they were. Not...teaching highschool kids. But they did because they wanted to, they really honestly wanted to impart something good on on every student they came across (I remember one teacher crying at the end of the year, talking about how she hopes we gained something meaningful from her class) and I'm certainly grateful. The classes that I'm thinking about when I say all of this (although theology somehow, naturally, slipped it's way into math and chemistry just because... Of course it does. God is in the details, right down to the molecule) were called Omnibus - a sort of mix between history, theology (and philosophy, by far not just Christian thought), literature and writing. Twelve classes in total (Primary and Secondary, I-VI), from Ancient times to Modern. It has it's faults, they were definitely not a complete replacement for formal, regular history courses but I wouldn't have changed a thing about them or what I got from them. Out of everyone who could have been lost, I think I owe my whole life to those teachers and everything else that's resulted from that school (even in the face of all the insane amounts of stress that I'm certain, if it's not too bold to say, a good amount of college students can't even imagine).
All of this is just to say, I really took them for granted. I never realized how they kept me thinking about God, seriously thinking and trying to figure it all out, from ages 13 to 18. How did I not... See this? How did I not see how lost I'd feel, spiritually, without those classes to look forward to (and dread at the same time, 'cause they were freaking hard lol).
During the last year of highschool, some pretty big mistakes were made on my end and even before the year was out I'd started to feel too ashamed to look at God. How could I, knowing that I loved the sin I found myself in and knew that I was going to dip into it again and again? I was also isolated from most of my friends during that whole last year and the previous, because my parents had 'found out' that I'd started to become more classically Reformed than .... Fundementalist Arminian (I don't know what the proper label is, I feel like that should give the right idea though). I was told that I was being lead astray by a wolf in sheep's clothing and the theology I'd come to accept was evil. Keep in mind, I'm not like... Progressive or "woke" or anything like that, I'm talking about normal issues like Predestination and other things that I just... Developed a different opinion on. I don't think the KJV is the only "real" Bible. They take great offense to that.
It's not like it's rebellion that sways me away from them and their theology. During the first few years of middle-school (or whatever comes before highschool? My schooling was Entirely online and I was homeschooled before it so I don't know like.... the names for this stuff), I was the first person to defend my family's weird beliefs, especially because it seemed that I was the only person who thought as I did. I thought this meant that everyone else was lost; surely, "real" Christians are actually quite few, right? During those years, I asked questions and got into arguments and berated my Mother with hypotheticals and "why do they think this is true?" My world-view started to crack when, as I was playing Devil's Advocate in a conversation with my Mother, she finally yielded and said something along the lines of "maybe Predestination and Free Will both exist, then. We can't know how it really works." That was an interesting moment for me because it allowed me to start and try to see some sense in what the Others were saying. Keep in mind, I can't have been older than 13. I somewhat-bested my Mother at a theological argument that I myself can't have fully understood (I was just parroting what was said, as kids do) at that age; I say, not to puff myself up, but to display how... Incredibly illogical my parents' theology is that I managed to twist her up in her own logic. Lol...?
Then I tried to kill myself at around Christmas that same year, I think. I only mention that because that's the event that allowed me to meet one of the best people I know. He was around 16 at the time and, apart from trying to trying to like, help me not be depressed lol he also became my spiritual guide. He's the only person I spoke to about all of this - I say with some bitterness that my father didn't talk to me about suicide apart from giving me some... mental health pamphlet. I've also mentioned how they really hadn't been spiritual guides of any sort unless I asked questions. I only had this other kid who was only there for me because he knew I hadn't a single soul outside of God Himself on my side, nor anyone else to talk to about all of this. (I mean, I had... friends but I didn't really know how to be a friend yet and they weren't really friends anyway). Anyway, anyway; he became more of a spiritual guide to me than my own father and he's only really relevant because I had an interesting conversation with him tonight and another friend the other day.
K, is what I'll call him (the first friend) has watched me grow up pretty much lol - with the sort of life I've lead, if it weren't for him saving my stupid suicidal ass on multiple occasions, answering my questions and even acting, unintentionally, as a force of shame, making me see my bad behaviour.
I can't understate how isolated my world has been. True enough, it is possible to live an extremely lonely life even when you are surrounded by people; when you are rejected by your peers, too awkward to socialize, or make too many mistakes -- if I may, that's a far cry from not even having the option to be rejected. It's been chosen, for me and not by my choice to just... Not... have friends. The only socialization I had as a small child were the rare times we went to church and even then we left right after service or weird cliques among the church kids would... look at me as if to say "you're not welcome here." But even that was a rare interaction I was glad for. Quite literally, the only outlet I've had to reach other people has been through... a computer.
Even right now, I don't have any "Irl" friends. I never have. For all accounts and purposes and people I've seen online... I should be a much more sorry person. I should be a loser, a creep, somehow more of a moron than I already am.
Quite literally, through the minor miracle of God saving my life (and gifting me a true friend after that horrible ordeal), I've come to be what I am. And I'm still...not...good. Just tonight, I've realized there's a few toxic things I do without even realizing it. Not like, "ruin-your-life-toxic," but toxic enough to be a problem I need to ponder and keep in check. My tendency to launch into a deep depression is possibly another thing that may be fixed if I just... go out into the world, make a friend at work (if I EVER manage to get a job) and finally learn, for real, how to play nice with others. Right now, I'd say I'm just a little to the left of what's considered "normal" behaviour - (or maybe "normal" isn't a good thing to be right now, given culture, but I mean like... decent, normal...? Maybe?) and I wish greatly to improve. I wanna be less anxious, I wanna be less lazy, I wanna be less depressed and casually suicidal, I want to see a future. Right now, with my life that has been marked by stillness and isolation, so much so that I sometimes feel that these pixels on the screen are more "me" than I am "me," it's so hard to envision a world where I even exist. It seems that I've not existed in the world at all, apart from the inside of people's phones and computers. I guess that's... Why I feel the need to say stuff on neocities, even though the attention I get freaks me out (even if it is positive). I want to reach through the screen and fucking break it. Somehow make real what has not been real. I want to exist outside of my brain and outside of my incredible yearning. It is so funny, like some sort of sick joke, how you can hate yourself so incredibly and yet... Hating yourself inherently means you view yourself as the center of everything. It is pathetic to behave that way, even though it is my go-to to scorch myself whenever I percieve my bad behaviour.
Ironically, throughout my writing this whole thing, I've been talking to a good friend of mine and reminiscing kind of. I started writing this whole thing 'cause I've had stuff on my brain and friends have been busy with college or work or school and I just... For some reason I've gotten to thinking how things used to be. How much worse I used to be, how I still need to improve, how things are with God and the people who are helping me turn my face towards Him even though I feel so wretched. I'm so ugly compared to Him, does he not cringe at my face? ... But it's my true face. Is it sad that I don't even think about reading my Bible until a dear, and very consistant, friend reminds me to and hounds me to do so? Maybe it is but it doesn't matter... At least I am. We can't even begin to talk to God unless we face His direction, though trembling and scared, a friend's gentle hands can start to turn our heads the right way.
No idea if that last sentence even makes any sense, I'm writing this at 5 in the morning, but it's just to say that I keep being surprised by gentleness. With the mental lashings I give myself and the unkind words that often vibrate through the air... God is gentle. Even my friends, other sinners, aren't disgusted or horrified by me. I went to one, in desperate need of help and I was so scared that he'd give me direction with a snarl on his face... But he didn't. And now we're going through the Gospels together; however slowly, at a pace mostly set by him with leniency for me. For the first time in months, half a year at LEAST, I've been praying more than for the food and reading just a little more.
I'm ending this surprisingly good. My hands have both a tendency to overshare and wax on and on about my misery lol but I feel... Tired, (lol) but also kind of at ease. The future is still..dark and empty looking, and I still don't know how to start moving, really moving to try and get somewhere other than here, but at least tonight I can truthfully say that I'll read my Bible after I close my computer.
Some Minorly Relevant Quotes...Both Paraphrased kind of
Your soul takes on the colour of your thoughts - Marcus Aurelius
How can we begin to talk to the gods until we have faces? - C.S. Lewis
Sometime this 2024 - soon to be 2025
Life Update? I guess
I don't even know what to write but I think I should write something because some individuals have emailed me, either to give courage or offer help with my webring and I see some activity on my feed in neocities as well. I'm really sorry for becoming a non-entity, the guilt and anxiety does eat at me but this probably won't be the last time it happens.
The current Ocean theme is because I've been feeling significantly down lately. School ended, I went to a party and had one of the best nights of my life and felt like the world wasn't gonna end, afterall. My hands are extremely cold as I type this. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel as though I'm at a stand-still with life in general. Still can't drive, don't have a job, there are a lot of things out of my control - or do I just not know how to take control? I went to England for a couple weeks and it was a supremly shitty time, London is Overstimulation Hell and I came back with food poisoning that I'm still not quite over after a WEEK of being back home.
When it comes to how I'm doing spiritually; I'm a spiritual vagabond. No church, family that doesn't turn me to Christ and often disregards spirituality or has mocked me and my efforts to get closer to God; no friends outside of online people who can't be here, really be here, when I really need them. Anyone. No one's ever been here in the way I've really needed them to be; just enough, just enough earnest words and sincere wishes to get me out of an immediately suicidal or extremely depressed state.
I may be stuck in one place but it seems I'm a wanderer with no goal or vision. More and more often I see suicide as the conclusion of all my thoughts. Right now, there's a kind of half-baked plan for how the end of the year will go and maybe it will go well, maybe I'll get my shitty writing together and actually make something, but even then I'm not pleased.
"Why do you refuse to be happy?" I'm not doing this on purpose. Or if I am, then it's because it's normal. This is just... the way things are for me, right now. I've tried to "make" myself happy and really, really ignore the quiet misgivings in my heart but what am I supposed to do when I'm just so fucking alone and have no way of making myself less alone? I make plans and things just sort of don't happen, either because it was a bad plan or something goes wrong or I'm insufficient or I'm too scared to act.
For right now, I'm just tired. Too tired for all the big things I wanted to do, too tired to get out of bed before 5 PM sometimes, too tired to even foolishly daydream that I might be worthy of love. Have I given up? A little bit. In a lot of ways. As I said, there's a half-baked plan where I'll clean out this one room in my house during the Winter and start trying to make something of my poorly writing abilities. Supposedly, shitty $1 fantasy romance e-novellas can make enough revenue to buy a camper and fund a life-long, "survive by the skin of your teeth" vagabond lifestyle. My Mother thinks that might be good for me though, I guess, and really the goal is probably just to get me out of the house by any means possible without leaving me homeless or at a dead-end. Which I'm not complaining about, I suppose... If I'm a spiritual vagabond, I may as well go and actualize that into reality. I already don't have a church so that's not keeping me to the ground. I already dream of running away and I'm being given a sort of shoddy 'for the foreseeable future' plan for that.
I guess my only complaint then, lies in the fact that the stars above my head, or beautiful mountains or sights to see on my travels wouldn't mean a thing to me. Why should it? Why should the stars hold any value when they can't reflect off the pit of tar that is my heart? They're glistening for a void, someone who can't appreciate anything beautiful in nature unless I can share it with someone I love and that's the ugly, selfish truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They're not even looking at me yet. I'm still just here; alone again, naturally.
Along Again, Naturally - Vulfmon
In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
-
I promised myself to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower
-
Standing at the top,
Will throw myself off
-
In effort to make it clear to whoever
-
Just what it's like when you're shattered
-
Left standing in a lurch,
In a church where people're saying
-
"My God, that's tough," she stood him up,
"No point in us remaining"
-
"We may as well go home,"
As I did on my own
-
Alone again, naturally
Sometime this 2024
