Life Update? I guess
I don't even know what to write but I think I should write something because some individuals have emailed me, either to give courage or offer help with my webring and I see some activity on my feed in neocities as well. I'm really sorry for becoming a non-entity, the guilt and anxiety does eat at me but this probably won't be the last time it happens.
The current Ocean theme is because I've been feeling significantly down lately. School ended, I went to a party and had one of the best nights of my life and felt like the world wasn't gonna end, afterall. My hands are extremely cold as I type this. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel as though I'm at a stand-still with life in general. Still can't drive, don't have a job, there are a lot of things out of my control - or do I just not know how to take control? I went to England for a couple weeks and it was a supremly shitty time, London is Overstimulation Hell and I came back with food poisoning that I'm still not quite over after a WEEK of being back home.
When it comes to how I'm doing spiritually; I'm a spiritual vagabond. No church, family that doesn't turn me to Christ and often disregards spirituality or has mocked me and my efforts to get closer to God; no friends outside of online people who can't be here, really be here, when I really need them. Anyone. No one's ever been here in the way I've really needed them to be; just enough, just enough earnest words and sincere wishes to get me out of an immediately suicidal or extremely depressed state.
I may be stuck in one place but it seems I'm a wanderer with no goal or vision. More and more often I see suicide as the conclusion of all my thoughts. Right now, there's a kind of half-baked plan for how the end of the year will go and maybe it will go well, maybe I'll get my shitty writing together and actually make something, but even then I'm not pleased.
"Why do you refuse to be happy?" I'm not doing this on purpose. Or if I am, then it's because it's normal. This is just... the way things are for me, right now. I've tried to "make" myself happy and really, really ignore the quiet misgivings in my heart but what am I supposed to do when I'm just so fucking alone and have no way of making myself less alone? I make plans and things just sort of don't happen, either because it was a bad plan or something goes wrong or I'm insufficient or I'm too scared to act.
For right now, I'm just tired. Too tired for all the big things I wanted to do, too tired to get out of bed before 5 PM sometimes, too tired to even foolishly daydream that I might be worthy of love. Have I given up? A little bit. In a lot of ways. As I said, there's a half-baked plan where I'll clean out this one room in my house during the Winter and start trying to make something of my poorly writing abilities. Supposedly, shitty $1 fantasy romance e-novellas can make enough revenue to buy a camper and fund a life-long, "survive by the skin of your teeth" vagabond lifestyle. My Mother thinks that might be good for me though, I guess, and really the goal is probably just to get me out of the house by any means possible without leaving me homeless or at a dead-end. Which I'm not complaining about, I suppose... If I'm a spiritual vagabond, I may as well go and actualize that into reality. I already don't have a church so that's not keeping me to the ground. I already dream of running away and I'm being given a sort of shoddy 'for the foreseeable future' plan for that.
I guess my only complaint then, lies in the fact that the stars above my head, or beautiful mountains or sights to see on my travels wouldn't mean a thing to me. Why should it? Why should the stars hold any value when they can't reflect off the pit of tar that is my heart? They're glistening for a void, someone who can't appreciate anything beautiful in nature unless I can share it with someone I love and that's the ugly, selfish truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They're not even looking at me yet. I'm still just here; alone again, naturally.
Along Again, Naturally - Vulfmon
In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
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I promised myself to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower
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Standing at the top,
Will throw myself off
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In effort to make it clear to whoever
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Just what it's like when you're shattered
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Left standing in a lurch,
In a church where people're saying
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"My God, that's tough," she stood him up,
"No point in us remaining"
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"We may as well go home,"
As I did on my own
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Alone again, naturally
Sometime this 2024
