Holiday
I'm here to ramble again. All my friends have been busy or are asleep now and something unexpected has my mind abuzz. It's 4 in the morning right now and I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon. Edit - six in the morning now.
I could talk about what the holiday's mean to me exactly but I don't wanna be a downer - but the worst things do seem to happen during this season. Maybe it's just seasonal depression and when you're lonely, a warmth and cheer that tries to overcome you can feel off-putting. I'm jealous of all my friends who, irregardless of the time of year, are spending time in the real world with people they love and trust more than anything. I get jealous often, actually; I like hearing what they've been up to and what sort of things you can do when you're not trapped at home with literally no physical way to be doing anything else (and I'm too tired to be playing video games all the time these days). Like... I want to do that. I wanna go... Play airsoft or whatever. I wanna go take a walk in the park. I wanna do something stupid like go grocery shopping and pick out what chips we like. But-
Agh. I'm doing it again. This isn't what I came here to ramble about.
I recieved a strange letter today, in the e-mail. This is gonna sound...retarded but hear me out. There's this website called Future Me (if it still is called that, I don't feel like checking right now) where you write a letter to yourself and they email it to you in however many years they set. Apparently 14 yr old me sent one to 19 yr old me. I must've wrote it today, 'cause, well, it came today. It's from the year where I had run off in the woods with a knife, aiming to end my life and nothing short of a literal God-spoken miracle brought me home and calmed my heart. I didn't have any friends back then, not even online ones from my online classes. At least... Not people who really actually did care about me. As much as you can care about someone from behind a bunch of words on a screen I suppose but that's a different conversation. The girl, a child, who felt so bad about everything that she really thought death would be better still had no one to go to even after coming home. This is starting to sound a little melodramatic but exactly how else am I supposed describe what happened?
The letter that 14 yr old Avis (barely even 14 yr old; my birthday is in September) wrote sounded... Honestly, really dumb, but what also was shocking is how much hadn't changed. The last words I apparently had to say to myself were "I don't love you but I hope you're still alive at least." What has a lot of this year, 2024, been if not a bunch of... flopping around, thinking maybe I should die instead of face my fears? It kind of sounds worn-out but I guess my worst fear is failure. I said I'd finally do it if I didn't pass highschool. Well, I passed; but lately I've been thinking that I'm a lost cause, that something is too ruined for me to go and assimilate into a life of adulthood like I kept dreaming I would. I'm just... So immature.
Nothing really changed. That 14 yr old hasn't really grown up at all and it's frustrating to be met with that reality (especially since my main method of getting these thoughts out is to... ramble into the void. That hasn't changed, apparently) when I really have been doing what I can to be better but it's hard to be better in a vacuum. It's it's really fucking hard when you just get beaten down and suffocated the moment you think you did something well, the moment you think you finally got a routine or you're finally waking up early and you finally did the house chores without being asked and you're finally on top of your homework, even if it's just finally for a moment, just to slapped in the face over and over again. How much harder am I supposed to try? I even tried communicating but either I'm so terrible with my words irl (I'm not sure if it's obvious but 100% more verbose in writing than speaking) or I really am just so bad at doing things that every attempt I made to try and bridge some understanding between me and my parents was met with offense or that it's all my fault. Even when I told my Mother I forgive her, she just... I'm getting distracted again.
I think I said this somewhere before; I'm not sure why, I forget, but Dr. Collender once told me that he thinks it'd be really good for me to go out and make some friends. He told me to get into fights, especially with other girls and have my hair pulled or something. I'm sorry for pressing on this point but, well, what am I supposed to do now? It's disgraceful to act like a child when you're an actual adult now. How am I supposed to gain the things that were taken from me? I mean I sure got into a lot of like... verbal.. (not even) arguments with like my school forums and all the pricks in those. I definitely learned something from those, even if it's just "don't behave that way" and not to be mean or something. It's only so much though and isn't all that helpful when trying to apply all of that to the real world. That's why I was looking forward to college, 'cause it seemed like a... Somewhat controlled, safe, way for me to finally learn some of the things I'd been missing. But now my Mother is telling me that I shouldn't even dare think about college and she'd rather see me buy a camper, travel around the US, and live by the skin of my teeth, somehow? It can't just be me, something doesn't add up.
As it stands right now though, I'm not putting any of my eggs into a basket. I keep thinking that some plan will happen or maybe I'll do this or that and it's just... So hard to move. [Munchie] (? a stand-in name, Munchie is his pet rabbit) and [Dino] (. she likes dinosaurs.) keep telling me to just focus on the one thing. Learning to drive. Everything will move much easier from there and I'm sure they're right. At the end of everything, I don't want to be 14 and stupid and sad. I don't want to be so stunted, and it doesn't matter who's fault it is 'cause now it's my responsibility to make better. Recieving that stupid ass letter... It's a weird sensation, wishing you could somehow go back and comfort the person that wrote that. I never understood what people were talking about when they spoke about like... their inner child or whatever and it makes me cringe to even say that. But I guess, yeah, I understand a little now 'cause now I'm being met and reminded of everythign I was feeling in that moment. Now I need to cast off that person but do so gently; I don't really know if 'healing' is possible because I think it's clear I hold on to the things that hurt me like some sort of .... I won't say it, but it's clear to me that I can't kill it. I've tried and she just.. keeps coming back.
My friends, even if I can't feel them or most often even hear them, they keep surprising me with their gentleness. In all the ways that I think I should disgust them or cause them to avoid me, they keep gently turning my head in the right direction. I'm starting to get tired, I'm losing my words but I really wanted to end this on a good note 'cause even with all my whining and probably pathetic complaining, I actually...Felt more determined to try again when I read that letter.
Not much has changed in my emotional maturity, I suppose, but a lot has changed regardless of that. There are people in the world who, despite seeing a lot of the worst of me, and who haven't turned away when I revealed worse still, are still around and I want to meet them someday. And I want to give the sad little thing who wrote that letter something better than a blank space in her future. It's not that she deserves it but, well, who deserves anything good anyway? No, she just... I, should be a little more gentle with what I realize now is an actual child who just doesn't know what to do but scream about the pain she's in. Me going through all these thoughts and thinking about it makes me want to read Dr. C's chapter about Respecting yourself (no, not Loving yourself, because that would be... a sin. Lol.) because the entire point about it is you can't respect others if you don't respect yourself first. Honestly he had a lot of things to say that I should have written down. Anyway the point is, and the point of a seperate conversation I'm having as I spend way too long to write this, is.. The child who sent me that letter, literally asking the future for help, should be treated with something other than resentment. I keep going in this cycle of hating myself and trying to change and hating myself and for all my bitching and moaning about MYSELF... I've never really done or tried anything else in that regard.
And the whole mention about Dr. C's book about Respect is just so I can frame in a way that I think is much more.. accurate. Dino tells me that I should tell myself that I love myself even if I don't believe it but I'm kind of uncomfortable with the concept just from a... theological point. How can I love myself? But I can respect what's happened to bring me here at least, all the people who've helped drag me from a cliff-face, all the teachers who wanted good things for me and did what they could to make it happen, and the little girl who didn't deserve all of that. That, and getting my damn license lol, is a good start I think. And it's technically not Christmas but whatever; I hope everyone had a good holiday with people you love and good food.
Sincerely,
Avis
Christmas 2024
Loser
Having some thoughts tonight, mostly in relation to how things are going. I also feel a little embarrased about the previous post lol but I meant what I said. Things suck. I feel a bit better tonight.
A lot of things happen in just a few days. I really took my Omnibus classes for granted; neither of my parents are spiritual guides (I've argued with them about theology more than I've ever learned from them, despite them being Christians as well) and I don't go to church so the only thing keeping God in my mind would be my own self and the classes I used to take. I used to go to a classical Christian school, not beholden to any one denomination but generally Reformed and it wouldn't even call itself "Christian" (which is a mistake imo but that's a completely different post) but a lot of my teachers were very devout people; theology majors, pastors or priests, some people with a PhD or two and they honestly should have been teaching college classes instead and getting paid more than they were. Not...teaching highschool kids. But they did because they wanted to, they really honestly wanted to impart something good on on every student they came across (I remember one teacher crying at the end of the year, talking about how she hopes we gained something meaningful from her class) and I'm certainly grateful. The classes that I'm thinking about when I say all of this (although theology somehow, naturally, slipped it's way into math and chemistry just because... Of course it does. God is in the details, right down to the molecule) were called Omnibus - a sort of mix between history, theology (and philosophy, by far not just Christian thought), literature and writing. Twelve classes in total (Primary and Secondary, I-VI), from Ancient times to Modern. It has it's faults, they were definitely not a complete replacement for formal, regular history courses but I wouldn't have changed a thing about them or what I got from them. Out of everyone who could have been lost, I think I owe my whole life to those teachers and everything else that's resulted from that school (even in the face of all the insane amounts of stress that I'm certain, if it's not too bold to say, a good amount of college students can't even imagine).
All of this is just to say, I really took them for granted. I never realized how they kept me thinking about God, seriously thinking and trying to figure it all out, from ages 13 to 18. How did I not... See this? How did I not see how lost I'd feel, spiritually, without those classes to look forward to (and dread at the same time, 'cause they were freaking hard lol).
During the last year of highschool, some pretty big mistakes were made on my end and even before the year was out I'd started to feel too ashamed to look at God. How could I, knowing that I loved the sin I found myself in and knew that I was going to dip into it again and again? I was also isolated from most of my friends during that whole last year and the previous, because my parents had 'found out' that I'd started to become more classically Reformed than .... Fundementalist Arminian (I don't know what the proper label is, I feel like that should give the right idea though). I was told that I was being lead astray by a wolf in sheep's clothing and the theology I'd come to accept was evil. Keep in mind, I'm not like... Progressive or "woke" or anything like that, I'm talking about normal issues like Predestination and other things that I just... Developed a different opinion on. I don't think the KJV is the only "real" Bible. They take great offense to that.
It's not like it's rebellion that sways me away from them and their theology. During the first few years of middle-school (or whatever comes before highschool? My schooling was Entirely online and I was homeschooled before it so I don't know like.... the names for this stuff), I was the first person to defend my family's weird beliefs, especially because it seemed that I was the only person who thought as I did. I thought this meant that everyone else was lost; surely, "real" Christians are actually quite few, right? During those years, I asked questions and got into arguments and berated my Mother with hypotheticals and "why do they think this is true?" My world-view started to crack when, as I was playing Devil's Advocate in a conversation with my Mother, she finally yielded and said something along the lines of "maybe Predestination and Free Will both exist, then. We can't know how it really works." That was an interesting moment for me because it allowed me to start and try to see some sense in what the Others were saying. Keep in mind, I can't have been older than 13. I somewhat-bested my Mother at a theological argument that I myself can't have fully understood (I was just parroting what was said, as kids do) at that age; I say, not to puff myself up, but to display how... Incredibly illogical my parents' theology is that I managed to twist her up in her own logic. Lol...?
Then I tried to kill myself at around Christmas that same year, I think. I only mention that because that's the event that allowed me to meet one of the best people I know. He was around 16 at the time and, apart from trying to trying to like, help me not be depressed lol he also became my spiritual guide. He's the only person I spoke to about all of this - I say with some bitterness that my father didn't talk to me about suicide apart from giving me some... mental health pamphlet. I've also mentioned how they really hadn't been spiritual guides of any sort unless I asked questions. I only had this other kid who was only there for me because he knew I hadn't a single soul outside of God Himself on my side, nor anyone else to talk to about all of this. (I mean, I had... friends but I didn't really know how to be a friend yet and they weren't really friends anyway). Anyway, anyway; he became more of a spiritual guide to me than my own father and he's only really relevant because I had an interesting conversation with him tonight and another friend the other day.
K, is what I'll call him (the first friend) has watched me grow up pretty much lol - with the sort of life I've lead, if it weren't for him saving my stupid suicidal ass on multiple occasions, answering my questions and even acting, unintentionally, as a force of shame, making me see my bad behaviour.
I can't understate how isolated my world has been. True enough, it is possible to live an extremely lonely life even when you are surrounded by people; when you are rejected by your peers, too awkward to socialize, or make too many mistakes -- if I may, that's a far cry from not even having the option to be rejected. It's been chosen, for me and not by my choice to just... Not... have friends. The only socialization I had as a small child were the rare times we went to church and even then we left right after service or weird cliques among the church kids would... look at me as if to say "you're not welcome here." But even that was a rare interaction I was glad for. Quite literally, the only outlet I've had to reach other people has been through... a computer.
Even right now, I don't have any "Irl" friends. I never have. For all accounts and purposes and people I've seen online... I should be a much more sorry person. I should be a loser, a creep, somehow more of a moron than I already am.
Quite literally, through the minor miracle of God saving my life (and gifting me a true friend after that horrible ordeal), I've come to be what I am. And I'm still...not...good. Just tonight, I've realized there's a few toxic things I do without even realizing it. Not like, "ruin-your-life-toxic," but toxic enough to be a problem I need to ponder and keep in check. My tendency to launch into a deep depression is possibly another thing that may be fixed if I just... go out into the world, make a friend at work (if I EVER manage to get a job) and finally learn, for real, how to play nice with others. Right now, I'd say I'm just a little to the left of what's considered "normal" behaviour - (or maybe "normal" isn't a good thing to be right now, given culture, but I mean like... decent, normal...? Maybe?) and I wish greatly to improve. I wanna be less anxious, I wanna be less lazy, I wanna be less depressed and casually suicidal, I want to see a future. Right now, with my life that has been marked by stillness and isolation, so much so that I sometimes feel that these pixels on the screen are more "me" than I am "me," it's so hard to envision a world where I even exist. It seems that I've not existed in the world at all, apart from the inside of people's phones and computers. I guess that's... Why I feel the need to say stuff on neocities, even though the attention I get freaks me out (even if it is positive). I want to reach through the screen and fucking break it. Somehow make real what has not been real. I want to exist outside of my brain and outside of my incredible yearning. It is so funny, like some sort of sick joke, how you can hate yourself so incredibly and yet... Hating yourself inherently means you view yourself as the center of everything. It is pathetic to behave that way, even though it is my go-to to scorch myself whenever I percieve my bad behaviour.
Ironically, throughout my writing this whole thing, I've been talking to a good friend of mine and reminiscing kind of. I started writing this whole thing 'cause I've had stuff on my brain and friends have been busy with college or work or school and I just... For some reason I've gotten to thinking how things used to be. How much worse I used to be, how I still need to improve, how things are with God and the people who are helping me turn my face towards Him even though I feel so wretched. I'm so ugly compared to Him, does he not cringe at my face? ... But it's my true face. Is it sad that I don't even think about reading my Bible until a dear, and very consistant, friend reminds me to and hounds me to do so? Maybe it is but it doesn't matter... At least I am. We can't even begin to talk to God unless we face His direction, though trembling and scared, a friend's gentle hands can start to turn our heads the right way.
No idea if that last sentence even makes any sense, I'm writing this at 5 in the morning, but it's just to say that I keep being surprised by gentleness. With the mental lashings I give myself and the unkind words that often vibrate through the air... God is gentle. Even my friends, other sinners, aren't disgusted or horrified by me. I went to one, in desperate need of help and I was so scared that he'd give me direction with a snarl on his face... But he didn't. And now we're going through the Gospels together; however slowly, at a pace mostly set by him with leniency for me. For the first time in months, half a year at LEAST, I've been praying more than for the food and reading just a little more.
I'm ending this surprisingly good. My hands have both a tendency to overshare and wax on and on about my misery lol but I feel... Tired, (lol) but also kind of at ease. The future is still..dark and empty looking, and I still don't know how to start moving, really moving to try and get somewhere other than here, but at least tonight I can truthfully say that I'll read my Bible after I close my computer.
Some Minorly Relevant Quotes...Both Paraphrased kind of
Your soul takes on the colour of your thoughts - Marcus Aurelius
How can we begin to talk to the gods until we have faces? - C.S. Lewis
Sometime this 2024 - soon to be 2025
Life Update? I guess
I don't even know what to write but I think I should write something because some individuals have emailed me, either to give courage or offer help with my webring and I see some activity on my feed in neocities as well. I'm really sorry for becoming a non-entity, the guilt and anxiety does eat at me but this probably won't be the last time it happens.
The current Ocean theme is because I've been feeling significantly down lately. School ended, I went to a party and had one of the best nights of my life and felt like the world wasn't gonna end, afterall. My hands are extremely cold as I type this. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel as though I'm at a stand-still with life in general. Still can't drive, don't have a job, there are a lot of things out of my control - or do I just not know how to take control? I went to England for a couple weeks and it was a supremly shitty time, London is Overstimulation Hell and I came back with food poisoning that I'm still not quite over after a WEEK of being back home.
When it comes to how I'm doing spiritually; I'm a spiritual vagabond. No church, family that doesn't turn me to Christ and often disregards spirituality or has mocked me and my efforts to get closer to God; no friends outside of online people who can't be here, really be here, when I really need them. Anyone. No one's ever been here in the way I've really needed them to be; just enough, just enough earnest words and sincere wishes to get me out of an immediately suicidal or extremely depressed state.
I may be stuck in one place but it seems I'm a wanderer with no goal or vision. More and more often I see suicide as the conclusion of all my thoughts. Right now, there's a kind of half-baked plan for how the end of the year will go and maybe it will go well, maybe I'll get my shitty writing together and actually make something, but even then I'm not pleased.
"Why do you refuse to be happy?" I'm not doing this on purpose. Or if I am, then it's because it's normal. This is just... the way things are for me, right now. I've tried to "make" myself happy and really, really ignore the quiet misgivings in my heart but what am I supposed to do when I'm just so fucking alone and have no way of making myself less alone? I make plans and things just sort of don't happen, either because it was a bad plan or something goes wrong or I'm insufficient or I'm too scared to act.
For right now, I'm just tired. Too tired for all the big things I wanted to do, too tired to get out of bed before 5 PM sometimes, too tired to even foolishly daydream that I might be worthy of love. Have I given up? A little bit. In a lot of ways. As I said, there's a half-baked plan where I'll clean out this one room in my house during the Winter and start trying to make something of my poorly writing abilities. Supposedly, shitty $1 fantasy romance e-novellas can make enough revenue to buy a camper and fund a life-long, "survive by the skin of your teeth" vagabond lifestyle. My Mother thinks that might be good for me though, I guess, and really the goal is probably just to get me out of the house by any means possible without leaving me homeless or at a dead-end. Which I'm not complaining about, I suppose... If I'm a spiritual vagabond, I may as well go and actualize that into reality. I already don't have a church so that's not keeping me to the ground. I already dream of running away and I'm being given a sort of shoddy 'for the foreseeable future' plan for that.
I guess my only complaint then, lies in the fact that the stars above my head, or beautiful mountains or sights to see on my travels wouldn't mean a thing to me. Why should it? Why should the stars hold any value when they can't reflect off the pit of tar that is my heart? They're glistening for a void, someone who can't appreciate anything beautiful in nature unless I can share it with someone I love and that's the ugly, selfish truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They're not even looking at me yet. I'm still just here; alone again, naturally.
Along Again, Naturally - Vulfmon
In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
-
I promised myself to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower
-
Standing at the top,
Will throw myself off
-
In effort to make it clear to whoever
-
Just what it's like when you're shattered
-
Left standing in a lurch,
In a church where people're saying
-
"My God, that's tough," she stood him up,
"No point in us remaining"
-
"We may as well go home,"
As I did on my own
-
Alone again, naturally
Sometime this 2024
