Ecclesiastes 7:3

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening ~ R. Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

1923

Hello, my name is Kyrie Yaerenzo

Welcome - here you will find a lot of senseless rambles and words from someone who's just kind of Going Through It most of the time haha. I have a blog, some fun pages for myself, and I'm the webmaster for the Christians of The Internet Webring. I don't want to define myself like this but I do have a lot of anxiety, especially social anxiety, so sorry if I... behave weirdly or am generally a dumbass. Genuinely I am just trying my best but I have a lot to learn in most areas of life so if you're bothered by something or want me to clear something up, please ask me. Probably I just made a mistake or I'm feeling strange that day I dunno.

The current theme for this website is intentionally cold and "stormy." I made it this way 'cause I felt extremely mellowed out and melancholy and didn't like looking at the pinks and lace of my last design - I probably won't change it for a while this time but I hope it doesn't seem too too sad. I'm going through some changes and I'll change it someday so have a look at the other things around if you'd like in the meantime.

Have a lovely day. - Kyrie

Welcome Message - 2025

Behind the Name

Names are very important to me. If you read the last post in the "Now" tab (used to be "What's Up?" Sorry for all the changes) you possibly expected a moniker change. I feel weird talking about it actually, no one really cares, but it can be confusing for people who've spoken to me before especially since I've made all my contacts Avis or Avis Spei. All of them. Avis was with me for years & she went through a lot. The name Avis Spei was created to become a self-fulfilling prophecy - Avis pointing towards birds (freedom) & Spei pointed towards Hope. I needed a lot of hope in order to survive in my home &, given that I've since run away from home & the situation I was in, I have finally achieved freedom. I have everything I was hoping against hope for.

However, Avis hurt a lot of people. Avis was awkward & insecure & she reacted really badly to situations that made her anxious. She was neurotic &, quite frankly, a bit toxic. I... have lost friends due to my immaturity. I, & Avis, are the ones to blame for that, though I recognize there wasn't much I could have done. I was in a cycle of trying to "be better" but never did it right or was actively prevented from growing & doing so. I was trapped & rotting away from the inside-out & can only ask for understanding & recognition that things have changed now. I can see how ugly my face was, & still is. My face has been revealed to me & I feel I can more honestly talk to God now.

There is no way for me to keep holding on to Avis without either hurting myself with the burdensome memories she holds or lending an ear to the self-pitying girl I used to be. Obviously, I haven't rid myself of every vice I have, but changing my online identity is my way of truly letting the past rest, since I have been intimately connected to the online world since I was a child. You might say my URL & IRL are too closely connected but it is what it is. I have rested & I am ready to get up as something new, in my personal life & the little world I have formed here.

So, in that vein, it is nice to meet you! I am Kyrie Yaerenzo. It's a mash of "Kirito Yaerenzo" & "Kyrie Eleison" - both of which mean the same thing - the Japanese is just the Japanified version of the Greek phrase, "Lord, have mercy." Kyrie sounds feminine to me (I was NOT going to call myself Kirito lmao) & something about saying the word Yaerenzo feels so nice. I heard about this phrase from a video essay about the Siren video game series (the ytber tangomushi if you wanna check it out) which seems apt, since I love horror, Japanese horror especially so. No one does JJ Abrams concept of the "mystery box" quite like they do, neither does anyone build up suspense quite like they do, & I grew up with it on account of my Japanese mother also loving horror, gore & weird things. So, in every single way, it seems very apt to me personally, especially since I will be needing God's hand to guide me through the new trials I am faced with.

About Me

This is super technically the 4th iteration of my website. I've started coding and web-devving right along with neocities so it's been very chaotic and I don't even know if I will bother archiving the last versions. What do you think?

Fun Facts
  • I love stationary, pens, paper, washi tape, wax seals, stickers, digital "stickers", and making trinkets for love letters.
  • My favourite palettes include greys, pinks, and creams. Lately, I've enjoyed gold as well, especially when paired with neutral tones.
  • I'm a Virgo and Rooster and I don't know anything about zodiacs outside of that, I just think it's neat.
  • My migraines are always extremely light sensitive and I dislike unnatural lighting just in general, it makes me angry.
  • I grew up watching horror and consuming horror media and I love gore and good monster design.
  • I'm a really messy person but I also stress clean.
  • Sometimes I'm chatty and bubbly and sometimes I'll ghost people for months on end. You should make note of this one in particular if you're gonna talk to me. This pattern most definitely has something to do with the changing seasons but I'm hoping to break this cycle.
  • Try as I might, I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve. There's garbage in my brain and you're gonna see it if you keep on reading.

2025

Faith

I'm a Christian and I've been raised in a Christian household all my life, though I consider myself to be born-again based on how I came to truly desire God and give myself to Him. I affirm the Nicene Creed as my statement of faith. I've gone through a lot to get to this point in my life and I am still going through a lot to get better.

Since I feel like it's important to note, given that a lot of non-Christians call themselves Christian ("not everyone who says 'Lord, Lord,' will enter into the kingdom of Heaven"), being a Christian means the following (as it pertains to political things that have caused arguments in the past)

  • I am against abortion based on religious grounds but this does not mean I am not against it based also on medical grounds. Christians already know that a fetus is a human being with a soul, based on our understanding of the soul, but this is not to say I am ignorant about the many, many other factors and arguments surrounding abortion. In summary, I am a Christian therefore I think abortion is murder, but I am also a woman who desires to be aware and I, too, am a target of propoganda and fearmongering. I also used to believe that abortion may be acceptable in life/death situations or other extreaneous things, but have since changed my mind based on medical arguments and not religious arguments. I desire to be understanding, I really do, but I do not understand why someone claims to be Christian and assumes a pro-abortion label and I do not understand the hatred my position recieves when I clearly do value the life of the mother, being especially a woman myself.
  • People who claim the Bible allows for homosexuality or claim well-known Biblical figures were gay, and other similar flavours of this crowd, are not Christians. This does not mean I hate gay people or anything similar and I do not wish you to burn in Hell in eternity for it or anything. In fact, I wish the opposite, and I know there are those who were gay on earth who are in heaven now. This doesn't mean I think homosexuality is morally good or allowed by the Bible. I do not think you are a lesser human being if you are homosexual and I believe this is an odd misunderstanding of what it means to be religious and adhere to Biblical moral standards. You can think that I am immoral, for instance, for eating a particular brand of chocolate bar. You thinking I am immoral for eating that chocolate bar does not mean that you think I am a lesser human being or that I should die. Similarly, if my friend had a problem with theivery, I would pray for him, point him towards the Bible if he came to me about it, and invite him to church (and all of this except for prayer assumes he's a Christian already). I'm certain there are things I myself do that my friends don't approve of but being friends or loving another person does not mean liking every single aspect of that person. Literally, it's just love the sinner hate the sin, but certain things have become so complicated and genuinly hate driven, by both sides of the issue at this point. Now, I've spent too much time on this, so I hope you'll understand. And if you don't and decide to tell me to kill myself or any other heinous thing, I am going to make it a point to pray for you. Maybe you should let me know what else I can pray for, since you'll already be in my prayer book?

Sometimes I am a social person in the online sphere. Do not get mad at me for espousing Christian values on my own website. Do not get mad at me for warning you that I'm a Christian and then being surprised that I have Christian and traditional values. My being a Christian is not something I leave at the door when I go grocery shopping; it is with me everywhere, just as your activism is with you everywhere. I have values that I believe to be true about the world. If I didn't have such values, then there would be no point in having values in the first place and I'm certain you feel the same about the things you, too, strongly hold to.

I don't like arguing; it makes me extremely sad and stresses me out. That's why I'm getting this out in the open right now because I want to be BOLD about what I believe but I don't want to argue about it. If I think I can, I'll send you a book or some other reading that I myself DID read and likely have re-read if I'm giving it to you but otherwise I tend to listen, ponder, and not engage. However, part of the reason why I have a website is because I wanted to be myself without persecution, which I have experienced; I am never willing to wash out what I believe just to appease some stranger who wishes me dead. Unfortunately, in order to not compromise my faith as well as live peacefully, I need to be a little harsh in how upfront I am about this sort of thing. With that in mind, know this: I value my Bible infinitely more than your opinions and personal experiences.

And never, ever assume that I just don't understand. If you're someone who hates Christians, you probably hate a caricature of modern Christians and let me just say: I hate the people who fostered that caricature too. They hurt me personally and hurt the people I love even more and I hold them more responsible for their evils than anyone else in the world. I wish God would be a little more just in these cases but I know my face is ugly in saying that.

Sorry for the harsh tone, I promise I don't normally talk like this, I just wanted to make some things very clear. Thanks for reading, if you decided to actually read this ramble, and I hope you have a nice day, whoever you are.

2025

Now Page

I'm getting ready to import my blog via an i-frame. I hope it works out well; I would like to limit outer links as much as possible for the index. This is being converted to a "Now" page. Everything will stay, I'm not sure what to do with it yet, but it can't be called a "micro blog" because I yap way too much for it to micro. I guess it's like a diary or journal. I'll move it around somewhere sometime.

13th July, 2025

Expressing Some Thoughts

Hey hey. I know I said I would write about Arizona, but something kind of tragic happened right after I got home that really soured my mind for a while. I don't think I can write about it in a way that anyone else would understand and I've already spent many nights up late, writing to myself, or finding songs to link to that event. Don't Speak, covered by Sam Fermin is a good one.

I'm coming off of the flu right now, which is annoying. It hit me really hard, harder than any other illness I've ever had and I think it's simply due to all the stress of moving and the new environment. I got it right before an important interview which is doubly annoying... I was so angry lol. I was able to reschedule, it's happening tomorrow, but still.

Been thinking about this website a lot. I want to dedicate a day of my week where I will sit down and work on it or write a "proper" blog post, but I haven't gotten around to that yet. I also need to finish up the updates to the webring website, especially since there's a fairly steady stream of members being added. The biggest thing stopping me is that the file system needs to be organized, which will mess up everyone's rings and they'll have to fix it. I don't know how to handle that without it being really annoying for everyone. Not everyone has given me their emails too, which is fine, but I'm thinking about making that a requirement since I need to communicate this sort of thing to everyone on the ring. But I know that some people have an issue with that sort of thing. I don't know. I'll figure it out, I have other things to worry about.

I think the thing I'm interviewing for will be great, honestly. It's a program called YearUp and it seems like the answer to most of my worries these past few months. Depending on what career path I go down with the program, it will teach me programming skills and I'll get to be an intern at a good company. If I do get in, I'm hoping to continue working on ModernStates at the same time, go ahead and get an English degree. Someday, someday I want to sit down and go back into my Omnibus texts (and more) and learn about theology and church history like I did in my classes... I'm coming to terms with the fact that that dream is far off in the future. I need to survive first. Sustain myself, make a living for myself.

These past four months have been something else. Sometimes I still have nightmares from home or have weird dissociative moments where I think I'm still in WV. In time, I think they will lessen and I'll fully realize where I'm at. I'm slowly getting there; a lot of regret and a lot of worry that I'll continue to be an emotional, unstable person keeps me wavering but I think I really am ready to lay down the person I used to be and grow into something better. Maybe that means it's also time to let go of "Avis." She called herself Avis Spei because she wanted to be free and wanted her hopeful moniker to fulfil itself. I am free now; I have hope (I always did, I always forced myself to) and that hope and desire to live and the grace of God what got me here now. I no longer need to hope for freedom, I am free.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is the answer. I've always taken my online monikers very seriously and personally, with meaning; Avis is the person I want to lay down. Avis is who so much tragedy and unchange and anxiety and worry is attached to. My friend who left told me that the person he used to be isn't dead but he's gone. The friend who I considered closer than a brother is gone. That's fine. Soon, I will also be gone, but what will never leave me is how much I love I have for everything I gave my heart to. That's the only thing that matters that should stay. I wish you saw it that way too.

Love doesn't take away and there is never less of it when it is given. There are so many things I regret, so many things I wish I'd never done, ways I've hurt people or ways where I was just plain awkward and somehow ruined everything. I don't regret loving you. I don't regret knowing who you were and who you used to be. I hope, in time, I won't regret who I used to be either; a vain, blind girl, chained by herself and others. I think I did what I could, given everything. I certainly could have been a lot worse.

Alright, back to work. I hope you've had a good day if you're reading this.

9th June, 2025

Looking Up

Hello. I don't really have anything important to say but I kind of felt like writing something down and talking about the stuff I've been working on.

I posted on Neocities that I went and took a CLEP test. :) It was for College Composition so it was admittedly pretty much the easiest thing out there, although I did take the regular test and not the modular one, so I had to write two simple essays in ~2 hours. Still, I was kinda nervous, especially with the time limit and how I'm a slow reader; things turned out fine though. I'll get my grade in like 5 weeks (hopefully less) and then, what next?

To explain, CLEP stands for "College Learning Education Program" (if I remember correctly) and if you pass the exams, you get a type of credit that you can apply to any college who accepts the credit for the course that you took the exam for. Some colleges count the credits differently, but for a couple of the options I'm looking at, assuming I passed the exam, I'll have gotten six credits in 2-4 weeks. Pretty neat, yeah?

I mean, honestly things are going well. I could have gotten that test done way earlier too, but I was nervous and kind of dragged my feet. Using the website ModernStates, I'm able to take Freshman year courses and get a voucher for free, which is very significant because it's expensive lol. With only having to pay the proctor fee, I could pretty much get through a Freshman year of college for ~$160 (which I'm not even paying for myself). At least, according to the plan that my friend's Mother has outlined for me, that seems to be the case. The only problem is I don't know if I want to get an English degree or not.

Right now, I've given up on all of my lofty ideas for things I wanted to do after college (which were kind of destroyed anyway...). I wanted to be a journalist or a novelist or something, whatever that would allow me to write about the things I wanted to write. Maybe it's strange to say, but I'm at a bit of an impasse; I took my Omnibus classes for granted because I didn't realize how much I loved them. The coursework, the books we read, my teachers, my classmates - they were the only thing that made me think about God in my Godless home and all the passion I felt for writing and history and the world sunk alongside my spiritual + mental health in the year after I graduated. So, right now, I just... Don't want to think about it. I know I still love it; it's so hard to explain but I swear I could get "high" off the discussions and conversation's we'd have in class because I loved tracing those little lines through people and history and our intentions and theology and always asking more questions. How does this relate to culture today? What would the Bible say about this (this one was always good because you had to bring specific examples)? I loved it, I loved just thinking about ideas and I loved it when someone brought in a perspective that completely turned the subject on it's head. Since my school was online-only (yes, way before Covid) people from all over the world (mostly missionary kids) attended and... It was just so cool. Exciting. Even though I had immense social anxiety, I always found myself having something to say and add to the conversation and I often brought the discussion outside of class to my Mother or my friends. It was like I was drunk on ideas and passion.

Now that my spirit has sunk, I don't know how to find that again. I've been going to church every Sunday but haven't really... assimilated yet. The pastor had a private discussion with me about baptism and every sermon so far has been great and insightful but I still... Feel bothered? I'm still distrustful? The few experiences I had with church were .... pretty awful and I grew up listening to my Mother trauma-dump about the horrible cult-like situation she was in that called itself "Fundamental Baptist Church." When I say cult, I mean like, Mormon type cult behaviour. ... I miss my Mum. I feel like she'd know what to do, even though I know we would butt heads about it.

Now that I've started writing, I realize I've got a lot more on my mind than I thought. I had a nightmare last night where I dreamt I was back home... I've been having nightmares like that actually, and I wake up and have to take a few moments to remind myself that I'm here now. I'm safe. I'm not at home. Maybe that's why I feel kind of weird today.

Anyway. Lol. I also feel like it would be a waste of money to get an English degree because I know there are options for me to start on career paths that an English degree offers that I...don't need the degree for. People keep telling me to think about teaching but I really don't think it's for me, ironically, given my little rant above. Maybe I should seriously consider it... But I don't know. If I gun for the English degree, I could get it in like two years from what my friend's Mother says. I'm also really seriously thinking about computer science though...

More on that later, I've made myself tired from worrying lol.

29th March, 2025

Once Seen, Now Real

This is bad. There’s a familiar, warm feeling in my heart; the breath of yearning is kissing my ear and telling me to take the bait. “You don’t have to deny yourself... You’re safe now.”

But am I safe? Can I know that I won’t manipulate and harm? I know what you really are. You’re a knife I hold close to my chest every night, to comfort me in its safety and cut me for pleasure. You’re a knife and you don’t belong in love. You don’t belong in my relationships.

See? Underneath all that you are still a sadness. “Will you please love me?” because a primal, essential love was not given you. You’re ill. You can’t see what good things you have; you are loved, though it is not the love you’re clawing for. Greater love has no man than he who would die for his brother and you have so many people who would die for you. Such things don’t need to be so extreme, though; these friends would house you, they would clothe you, and they will and are holding your hands to drag you from the mud pit. All you had to do was ask and the answer was “yes.” Such things don’t need to end in a kiss. These connections will end in a joy greater than any you have known in mortal life and not only will it be worth it, but it is worth it now. For the give and take and the opportunity to pull someone else out of pit; that is a good thing, worthy of your mortal life and it becomes your meaning. There is no meaning but to do good things.

So, calm your heart; with all the gentleness I can afford you, it isn’t time for such things and I am certain this yearning will be so much more beautiful when it isn’t a weapon. God gave you what you need—take it, and forge a different tool.

uh?

If these words can come out in the open, they'll be real and solid and it will seem more true to me. They won't be contained within me but will exist in reality and make it easier to convince myself of the right action. I've noticed that there's a lot of things I do that I did to protect myself or give myself hope for something better; I don't need them anymore and I know the ways that they can harm others because I have hurt others, when I didn't realize what I was doing or where it came from. I don't need it anymore, I don't need these tools I've built up within myself; they need to be thrown away, or rewired for a better purpose. I hope that makes sense, and if it doesn't, then that's alright.

12th March, 2025

A Different Place

Hey hey, I don't really know what to say but hi I'm alive. I'm at an interesting spot in life 'cause, Well, to put it simply I ran away from home.

I could talk about that in some detail, especially why I felt it was Necessary for both me and my parents but tbh I don't really want to. Looking at my past posts (whinings) I don't think I need to either; it was simply time.

And to be perfectly honest, the difference is refreshing. I've been lodging with a friend for a little over a month now and I've made progress towards getting a job, going to college, and driving practice for my license. All in one month. Now that I have the FREEDOM to move, I see more and more clearly the incredible rot I left behind. Things are still slow and I'm a little impatient - but opportunities for making movement and good choices keep opening themselves up to me and it's extremely scary but I hope that I can rewire myself, so to speak, to be a functioning adult. Good communication, lucrative skills, physical movement; all necessary things that I hope to cultivate.

I've also been going to church every weekend, or if I can't then watching the sermon online. I have...mixed feelings about it, about the church Dino's been taking me to, but it's new for her as well and the sermons themselves haven't been bad. She's also interested in getting me baptized and that's a separate conversation but I don't think I will, for a while. Overall though, it's been... My spiritual life hasn't exactly been better, depression and anxiety and GUILT are still things that really get to me but one of the sermons was about prayer and how to pray. I thought that was pretty helpful since no one's ever told me anything about that and I don't think I've ever even seen my Mother pray (outside of before meals). Anyway it's just..been helpful. And Dino is here too; I think we both struggle with this sort of thing a bit but she's reminded me to work on verse memorization and is the one taking me to church so that's cool. I can't praise her enough, so I won't; she's been an incredible blessing to me in ways I couldn't have imagined.

I can't think of anything else to say tbh. Things are just... Moving along. But actually moving this time and not me waiting and continually losing hope for anything good to "happen."

Webring update I guess - I mentioned some stuff in the neocities thingie but yeah more members and also some members gone. This is another thing that gave me a lot of anxiety actually (and tbh I'm still a bit nervous about sending out some emails I think maybe I should? Maybe? Do people get annoyed aboutthissortofthingIdon'tknow) because it was just. Scary to think about other PEOPLE wanting to INTERACT and be PART OF SOMETHING that I'm making. Now that I can talk about it in real life with Dino and other friends though, and now that I guess I've... realized that this IS something I need to take care of, it feels a little less scary to assert myself. Just a little bit though, I still have a long way to go as far as my anxiety goes (I constantly make stupid mistakes or just. sound like a dumbass) but I know it can get better. It's gonna take a long time but now I'm in a place where it CAN get better, truly, and I have people around me now who will help me if only I ask.

And that's another thing I need to get better at. But, well, one step at a time.

8th March, 2025

Holiday

I'm here to ramble again. All my friends have been busy or are asleep now and something unexpected has my mind abuzz. It's 4 in the morning right now and I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon. Edit - six in the morning now.

I could talk about what the holiday's mean to me exactly but I don't wanna be a downer - but the worst things do seem to happen during this season. Maybe it's just seasonal depression and when you're lonely, a warmth and cheer that tries to overcome you can feel off-putting. I'm jealous of all my friends who, irregardless of the time of year, are spending time in the real world with people they love and trust more than anything. I get jealous often, actually; I like hearing what they've been up to and what sort of things you can do when you're not trapped at home with literally no physical way to be doing anything else (and I'm too tired to be playing video games all the time these days). Like... I want to do that. I wanna go... Play airsoft or whatever. I wanna go take a walk in the park. I wanna do something stupid like go grocery shopping and pick out what chips we like. But-

Agh. I'm doing it again. This isn't what I came here to ramble about.

I recieved a strange letter today, in the e-mail. This is gonna sound...retarded but hear me out. There's this website called Future Me (if it still is called that, I don't feel like checking right now) where you write a letter to yourself and they email it to you in however many years they set. Apparently 14 yr old me sent one to 19 yr old me. I must've wrote it today, 'cause, well, it came today. It's from the year where I had run off in the woods with a knife, aiming to end my life and nothing short of a literal God-spoken miracle brought me home and calmed my heart. I didn't have any friends back then, not even online ones from my online classes. At least... Not people who really actually did care about me. As much as you can care about someone from behind a bunch of words on a screen I suppose but that's a different conversation. The girl, a child, who felt so bad about everything that she really thought death would be better still had no one to go to even after coming home. This is starting to sound a little melodramatic but exactly how else am I supposed describe what happened?

The letter that 14 yr old Avis (barely even 14 yr old; my birthday is in September) wrote sounded... Honestly, really dumb, but what also was shocking is how much hadn't changed. The last words I apparently had to say to myself were "I don't love you but I hope you're still alive at least." What has a lot of this year, 2024, been if not a bunch of... flopping around, thinking maybe I should die instead of face my fears? It kind of sounds worn-out but I guess my worst fear is failure. I said I'd finally do it if I didn't pass highschool. Well, I passed; but lately I've been thinking that I'm a lost cause, that something is too ruined for me to go and assimilate into a life of adulthood like I kept dreaming I would. I'm just... So immature.

Nothing really changed. That 14 yr old hasn't really grown up at all and it's frustrating to be met with that reality (especially since my main method of getting these thoughts out is to... ramble into the void. That hasn't changed, apparently) when I really have been doing what I can to be better but it's hard to be better in a vacuum. It's it's really fucking hard when you just get beaten down and suffocated the moment you think you did something well, the moment you think you finally got a routine or you're finally waking up early and you finally did the house chores without being asked and you're finally on top of your homework, even if it's just finally for a moment, just to slapped in the face over and over again. How much harder am I supposed to try? I even tried communicating but either I'm so terrible with my words irl (I'm not sure if it's obvious but 100% more verbose in writing than speaking) or I really am just so bad at doing things that every attempt I made to try and bridge some understanding between me and my parents was met with offense or that it's all my fault. Even when I told my Mother I forgive her, she just... I'm getting distracted again.

I think I said this somewhere before; I'm not sure why, I forget, but Dr. Collender once told me that he thinks it'd be really good for me to go out and make some friends. He told me to get into fights, especially with other girls and have my hair pulled or something. I'm sorry for pressing on this point but, well, what am I supposed to do now? It's disgraceful to act like a child when you're an actual adult now. How am I supposed to gain the things that were taken from me? I mean I sure got into a lot of like... verbal.. (not even) arguments with like my school forums and all the pricks in those. I definitely learned something from those, even if it's just "don't behave that way" and not to be mean or something. It's only so much though and isn't all that helpful when trying to apply all of that to the real world. That's why I was looking forward to college, 'cause it seemed like a... Somewhat controlled, safe, way for me to finally learn some of the things I'd been missing. But now my Mother is telling me that I shouldn't even dare think about college and she'd rather see me buy a camper, travel around the US, and live by the skin of my teeth, somehow? It can't just be me, something doesn't add up.

As it stands right now though, I'm not putting any of my eggs into a basket. I keep thinking that some plan will happen or maybe I'll do this or that and it's just... So hard to move. [Munchie] (? a stand-in name, Munchie is his pet rabbit) and [Dino] (. she likes dinosaurs.) keep telling me to just focus on the one thing. Learning to drive. Everything will move much easier from there and I'm sure they're right. At the end of everything, I don't want to be 14 and stupid and sad. I don't want to be so stunted, and it doesn't matter who's fault it is 'cause now it's my responsibility to make better. Recieving that stupid ass letter... It's a weird sensation, wishing you could somehow go back and comfort the person that wrote that. I never understood what people were talking about when they spoke about like... their inner child or whatever and it makes me cringe to even say that. But I guess, yeah, I understand a little now 'cause now I'm being met and reminded of everythign I was feeling in that moment. Now I need to cast off that person but do so gently; I don't really know if 'healing' is possible because I think it's clear I hold on to the things that hurt me like some sort of .... I won't say it, but it's clear to me that I can't kill it. I've tried and she just.. keeps coming back.

My friends, even if I can't feel them or most often even hear them, they keep surprising me with their gentleness. In all the ways that I think I should disgust them or cause them to avoid me, they keep gently turning my head in the right direction. I'm starting to get tired, I'm losing my words but I really wanted to end this on a good note 'cause even with all my whining and probably pathetic complaining, I actually...Felt more determined to try again when I read that letter.

Not much has changed in my emotional maturity, I suppose, but a lot has changed regardless of that. There are people in the world who, despite seeing a lot of the worst of me, and who haven't turned away when I revealed worse still, are still around and I want to meet them someday. And I want to give the sad little thing who wrote that letter something better than a blank space in her future. It's not that she deserves it but, well, who deserves anything good anyway? No, she just... I, should be a little more gentle with what I realize now is an actual child who just doesn't know what to do but scream about the pain she's in. Me going through all these thoughts and thinking about it makes me want to read Dr. C's chapter about Respecting yourself (no, not Loving yourself, because that would be... a sin. Lol.) because the entire point about it is you can't respect others if you don't respect yourself first. Honestly he had a lot of things to say that I should have written down. Anyway the point is, and the point of a seperate conversation I'm having as I spend way too long to write this, is.. The child who sent me that letter, literally asking the future for help, should be treated with something other than resentment. I keep going in this cycle of hating myself and trying to change and hating myself and for all my bitching and moaning about MYSELF... I've never really done or tried anything else in that regard.

And the whole mention about Dr. C's book about Respect is just so I can frame in a way that I think is much more.. accurate. Dino tells me that I should tell myself that I love myself even if I don't believe it but I'm kind of uncomfortable with the concept just from a... theological point. How can I love myself? But I can respect what's happened to bring me here at least, all the people who've helped drag me from a cliff-face, all the teachers who wanted good things for me and did what they could to make it happen, and the little girl who didn't deserve all of that. That, and getting my damn license lol, is a good start I think. And it's technically not Christmas but whatever; I hope everyone had a good holiday with people you love and good food.

Sincerely,

Avis

Christmas 2024

Loser

Having some thoughts tonight, mostly in relation to how things are going. I also feel a little embarrased about the previous post lol but I meant what I said. Things suck. I feel a bit better tonight.

A lot of things happen in just a few days. I really took my Omnibus classes for granted; neither of my parents are spiritual guides (I've argued with them about theology more than I've ever learned from them, despite them being Christians as well) and I don't go to church so the only thing keeping God in my mind would be my own self and the classes I used to take. I used to go to a classical Christian school, not beholden to any one denomination but generally Reformed and it wouldn't even call itself "Christian" (which is a mistake imo but that's a completely different post) but a lot of my teachers were very devout people; theology majors, pastors or priests, some people with a PhD or two and they honestly should have been teaching college classes instead and getting paid more than they were. Not...teaching highschool kids. But they did because they wanted to, they really honestly wanted to impart something good on on every student they came across (I remember one teacher crying at the end of the year, talking about how she hopes we gained something meaningful from her class) and I'm certainly grateful. The classes that I'm thinking about when I say all of this (although theology somehow, naturally, slipped it's way into math and chemistry just because... Of course it does. God is in the details, right down to the molecule) were called Omnibus - a sort of mix between history, theology (and philosophy, by far not just Christian thought), literature and writing. Twelve classes in total (Primary and Secondary, I-VI), from Ancient times to Modern. It has it's faults, they were definitely not a complete replacement for formal, regular history courses but I wouldn't have changed a thing about them or what I got from them. Out of everyone who could have been lost, I think I owe my whole life to those teachers and everything else that's resulted from that school (even in the face of all the insane amounts of stress that I'm certain, if it's not too bold to say, a good amount of college students can't even imagine).

All of this is just to say, I really took them for granted. I never realized how they kept me thinking about God, seriously thinking and trying to figure it all out, from ages 13 to 18. How did I not... See this? How did I not see how lost I'd feel, spiritually, without those classes to look forward to (and dread at the same time, 'cause they were freaking hard lol).

During the last year of highschool, some pretty big mistakes were made on my end and even before the year was out I'd started to feel too ashamed to look at God. How could I, knowing that I loved the sin I found myself in and knew that I was going to dip into it again and again? I was also isolated from most of my friends during that whole last year and the previous, because my parents had 'found out' that I'd started to become more classically Reformed than .... Fundementalist Arminian (I don't know what the proper label is, I feel like that should give the right idea though). I was told that I was being lead astray by a wolf in sheep's clothing and the theology I'd come to accept was evil. Keep in mind, I'm not like... Progressive or "woke" or anything like that, I'm talking about normal issues like Predestination and other things that I just... Developed a different opinion on. I don't think the KJV is the only "real" Bible. They take great offense to that.

It's not like it's rebellion that sways me away from them and their theology. During the first few years of middle-school (or whatever comes before highschool? My schooling was Entirely online and I was homeschooled before it so I don't know like.... the names for this stuff), I was the first person to defend my family's weird beliefs, especially because it seemed that I was the only person who thought as I did. I thought this meant that everyone else was lost; surely, "real" Christians are actually quite few, right? During those years, I asked questions and got into arguments and berated my Mother with hypotheticals and "why do they think this is true?" My world-view started to crack when, as I was playing Devil's Advocate in a conversation with my Mother, she finally yielded and said something along the lines of "maybe Predestination and Free Will both exist, then. We can't know how it really works." That was an interesting moment for me because it allowed me to start and try to see some sense in what the Others were saying. Keep in mind, I can't have been older than 13. I somewhat-bested my Mother at a theological argument that I myself can't have fully understood (I was just parroting what was said, as kids do) at that age; I say, not to puff myself up, but to display how... Incredibly illogical my parents' theology is that I managed to twist her up in her own logic. Lol...?

Then I tried to kill myself at around Christmas that same year, I think. I only mention that because that's the event that allowed me to meet one of the best people I know. He was around 16 at the time and, apart from trying to trying to like, help me not be depressed lol he also became my spiritual guide. He's the only person I spoke to about all of this - I say with some bitterness that my father didn't talk to me about suicide apart from giving me some... mental health pamphlet. I've also mentioned how they really hadn't been spiritual guides of any sort unless I asked questions. I only had this other kid who was only there for me because he knew I hadn't a single soul outside of God Himself on my side, nor anyone else to talk to about all of this. (I mean, I had... friends but I didn't really know how to be a friend yet and they weren't really friends anyway). Anyway, anyway; he became more of a spiritual guide to me than my own father and he's only really relevant because I had an interesting conversation with him tonight and another friend the other day.

K, is what I'll call him (the first friend) has watched me grow up pretty much lol - with the sort of life I've lead, if it weren't for him saving my stupid suicidal ass on multiple occasions, answering my questions and even acting, unintentionally, as a force of shame, making me see my bad behaviour.

I can't understate how isolated my world has been. True enough, it is possible to live an extremely lonely life even when you are surrounded by people; when you are rejected by your peers, too awkward to socialize, or make too many mistakes -- if I may, that's a far cry from not even having the option to be rejected. It's been chosen, for me and not by my choice to just... Not... have friends. The only socialization I had as a small child were the rare times we went to church and even then we left right after service or weird cliques among the church kids would... look at me as if to say "you're not welcome here." But even that was a rare interaction I was glad for. Quite literally, the only outlet I've had to reach other people has been through... a computer.

Even right now, I don't have any "Irl" friends. I never have. For all accounts and purposes and people I've seen online... I should be a much more sorry person. I should be a loser, a creep, somehow more of a moron than I already am.

Quite literally, through the minor miracle of God saving my life (and gifting me a true friend after that horrible ordeal), I've come to be what I am. And I'm still...not...good. Just tonight, I've realized there's a few toxic things I do without even realizing it. Not like, "ruin-your-life-toxic," but toxic enough to be a problem I need to ponder and keep in check. My tendency to launch into a deep depression is possibly another thing that may be fixed if I just... go out into the world, make a friend at work (if I EVER manage to get a job) and finally learn, for real, how to play nice with others. Right now, I'd say I'm just a little to the left of what's considered "normal" behaviour - (or maybe "normal" isn't a good thing to be right now, given culture, but I mean like... decent, normal...? Maybe?) and I wish greatly to improve. I wanna be less anxious, I wanna be less lazy, I wanna be less depressed and casually suicidal, I want to see a future. Right now, with my life that has been marked by stillness and isolation, so much so that I sometimes feel that these pixels on the screen are more "me" than I am "me," it's so hard to envision a world where I even exist. It seems that I've not existed in the world at all, apart from the inside of people's phones and computers. I guess that's... Why I feel the need to say stuff on neocities, even though the attention I get freaks me out (even if it is positive). I want to reach through the screen and fucking break it. Somehow make real what has not been real. I want to exist outside of my brain and outside of my incredible yearning. It is so funny, like some sort of sick joke, how you can hate yourself so incredibly and yet... Hating yourself inherently means you view yourself as the center of everything. It is pathetic to behave that way, even though it is my go-to to scorch myself whenever I percieve my bad behaviour.

Ironically, throughout my writing this whole thing, I've been talking to a good friend of mine and reminiscing kind of. I started writing this whole thing 'cause I've had stuff on my brain and friends have been busy with college or work or school and I just... For some reason I've gotten to thinking how things used to be. How much worse I used to be, how I still need to improve, how things are with God and the people who are helping me turn my face towards Him even though I feel so wretched. I'm so ugly compared to Him, does he not cringe at my face? ... But it's my true face. Is it sad that I don't even think about reading my Bible until a dear, and very consistant, friend reminds me to and hounds me to do so? Maybe it is but it doesn't matter... At least I am. We can't even begin to talk to God unless we face His direction, though trembling and scared, a friend's gentle hands can start to turn our heads the right way.

No idea if that last sentence even makes any sense, I'm writing this at 5 in the morning, but it's just to say that I keep being surprised by gentleness. With the mental lashings I give myself and the unkind words that often vibrate through the air... God is gentle. Even my friends, other sinners, aren't disgusted or horrified by me. I went to one, in desperate need of help and I was so scared that he'd give me direction with a snarl on his face... But he didn't. And now we're going through the Gospels together; however slowly, at a pace mostly set by him with leniency for me. For the first time in months, half a year at LEAST, I've been praying more than for the food and reading just a little more.

I'm ending this surprisingly good. My hands have both a tendency to overshare and wax on and on about my misery lol but I feel... Tired, (lol) but also kind of at ease. The future is still..dark and empty looking, and I still don't know how to start moving, really moving to try and get somewhere other than here, but at least tonight I can truthfully say that I'll read my Bible after I close my computer.

Some Minorly Relevant Quotes...Both Paraphrased kind of

Your soul takes on the colour of your thoughts - Marcus Aurelius

How can we begin to talk to the gods until we have faces? - C.S. Lewis

Sometime this 2024 - soon to be 2025

Life Update? I guess

I don't even know what to write but I think I should write something because some individuals have emailed me, either to give courage or offer help with my webring and I see some activity on my feed in neocities as well. I'm really sorry for becoming a non-entity, the guilt and anxiety does eat at me but this probably won't be the last time it happens.

The current Ocean theme is because I've been feeling significantly down lately. School ended, I went to a party and had one of the best nights of my life and felt like the world wasn't gonna end, afterall. My hands are extremely cold as I type this. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel as though I'm at a stand-still with life in general. Still can't drive, don't have a job, there are a lot of things out of my control - or do I just not know how to take control? I went to England for a couple weeks and it was a supremly shitty time, London is Overstimulation Hell and I came back with food poisoning that I'm still not quite over after a WEEK of being back home.

When it comes to how I'm doing spiritually; I'm a spiritual vagabond. No church, family that doesn't turn me to Christ and often disregards spirituality or has mocked me and my efforts to get closer to God; no friends outside of online people who can't be here, really be here, when I really need them. Anyone. No one's ever been here in the way I've really needed them to be; just enough, just enough earnest words and sincere wishes to get me out of an immediately suicidal or extremely depressed state.

I may be stuck in one place but it seems I'm a wanderer with no goal or vision. More and more often I see suicide as the conclusion of all my thoughts. Right now, there's a kind of half-baked plan for how the end of the year will go and maybe it will go well, maybe I'll get my shitty writing together and actually make something, but even then I'm not pleased.

"Why do you refuse to be happy?" I'm not doing this on purpose. Or if I am, then it's because it's normal. This is just... the way things are for me, right now. I've tried to "make" myself happy and really, really ignore the quiet misgivings in my heart but what am I supposed to do when I'm just so fucking alone and have no way of making myself less alone? I make plans and things just sort of don't happen, either because it was a bad plan or something goes wrong or I'm insufficient or I'm too scared to act.

For right now, I'm just tired. Too tired for all the big things I wanted to do, too tired to get out of bed before 5 PM sometimes, too tired to even foolishly daydream that I might be worthy of love. Have I given up? A little bit. In a lot of ways. As I said, there's a half-baked plan where I'll clean out this one room in my house during the Winter and start trying to make something of my poorly writing abilities. Supposedly, shitty $1 fantasy romance e-novellas can make enough revenue to buy a camper and fund a life-long, "survive by the skin of your teeth" vagabond lifestyle. My Mother thinks that might be good for me though, I guess, and really the goal is probably just to get me out of the house by any means possible without leaving me homeless or at a dead-end. Which I'm not complaining about, I suppose... If I'm a spiritual vagabond, I may as well go and actualize that into reality. I already don't have a church so that's not keeping me to the ground. I already dream of running away and I'm being given a sort of shoddy 'for the foreseeable future' plan for that.

I guess my only complaint then, lies in the fact that the stars above my head, or beautiful mountains or sights to see on my travels wouldn't mean a thing to me. Why should it? Why should the stars hold any value when they can't reflect off the pit of tar that is my heart? They're glistening for a void, someone who can't appreciate anything beautiful in nature unless I can share it with someone I love and that's the ugly, selfish truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They're not even looking at me yet. I'm still just here; alone again, naturally.

Along Again, Naturally - Vulfmon

In a little while from now,

If I'm not feeling any less sour

-

I promised myself to treat myself,

And visit a nearby tower

-

Standing at the top,

Will throw myself off

-

In effort to make it clear to whoever

-

Just what it's like when you're shattered

-

Left standing in a lurch,

In a church where people're saying

-

"My God, that's tough," she stood him up,

"No point in us remaining"

-

"We may as well go home,"

As I did on my own

-

Alone again, naturally

Sometime this 2024

As a way to be able to share my blog without connecting it to my website for people who don't know I have a website, I decided to use an iframe here. If you'd like to look at the blog in full, simply open the link in a new tab. Using a static blog generator is also just very easy and convenient for me. Let me know if you think there's a better way to do this; I try to avoid outer links.

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Micro Blog

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Changelog

Soft released my moniker... Hello everyone.

Made changes to index introduction and About tab. Went a little crazy and added a bunch of text cliques. Made changes to microblog again. Made another change to the About tab. Applied for the Sovereign Webring. - July/14th/'25
Made an announcement on "Now" page, previously called "What's Up?" Made style changes to Slack Jaw. Made style changes to index and added blog iframe. - July/13/'25
Added Changelog after like two years of webdevving? oops - March/15/'25
Start of Dream Journal project - March/13/'25
Changed Bookbug WIP to Slackjaw - March/08/'25
Changed welcome message to be less depressing and added update post in "What's Up?" - March/07/'25
-2024-
Two layout revamps
Bible Verse Bun Meme page added
Bookbug WIP page made this thing took me days
Bible reflections page (PERMANENTLY NOT ACTIVE)
Made Christian Webring
Made a couple blog posts about Christians in unfriendly spaces (will add when I decide I like how it looks)
Owl City relique page
Published my extremely unedited and unfinished Seniour Thesis for hs
a whole bunch of misc things
-2023-
Started playing around with code and templates
Had the idea for a Christian webring but didn't act on it yet
Made blog page
A bunch of other teeny things